Dear You, Man I Don't Know,
If you strike up a conversation with me when I'm alone, my pulse automatically quickens, and my skin starts to crawl. I look around for policemen, women, men with children, anyone I can call to for help if you harass me. I search for busy stores or crowded restaurants I can run into if you follow me. I mentally review all the self-defense techniques I've ever learned in my life in case you try to rape me. I imagine what I would do if you pulled out a weapon and threatened to kill me if I didn't cooperate.
Before you dismiss me as paranoid and crazy, think of this: I don't know you. I don't know what your intentions are, and I don't know what you're capable of. What I do know is that you're taller than me, stronger than me, and faster than me. I do know that for every six women in the world, one of them will be sexually assaulted at some point in her life. I do know that this happens every two minutes. I don't know when, or if, it will be my turn.
Because the vast majority of these perpetrators are men, I have been trained to never trust you. I don't talk to you on trains or planes because you could interpret that as a sign of my interest and get the wrong idea. I don't walk near you on the street because you could follow me and harass me. I don't drink at parties because you could slip something into my beverage and rape me. Now, get this: I have never been assaulted, touched, heckled, or even whistled at. I've never experienced any of these things, so I don't have the memories and therefore can't be this afraid, right?
Wrong. Rape, and any other form of sexual assault, is so pervasive in our culture that I constantly have to be on guard when I'm around you. I can't even take you asking me what time it is at face value because for all I know, you could have something else in mind. Even though I am more likely to be attacked by an acquaintance than you, I still suspect you because I don't know anything about you. I have zero trust as far as you're concerned, and the fact that you're even approaching me is automatically a red flag.
The question is not what I can do to change my attitude about men, but what you can do to change the attitudes men have toward women that make me worry for my safety when you so much as ask me what book I'm reading. It's not just about pulling your frat buddy away from the unconscious girl he's having sex with at a party, or even about backing off without protest when your girlfriend tells you "no" - although that helps tremendously. It's not about that one time, those few minutes when you proved you were capable of doing what every man should do automatically. It goes deeper than that. It's about realizing that not only does no mean no, but "yes" also means no - and that "yes" to one sexual act is not a "yes" to all the others. It's about recognizing that you have to earn a woman's trust and that you are not entitled to it in the way that you are not entitled to her body. Most importantly, it's about always, always treating women with respect and calling your male friends out when they don't do the same. Step up and speak out: sexual abuse and sexual harassment are not okay, and they are not something that only women have to deal with.
If you are that man who does all of the above, please keep doing what you're doing. I shouldn't have to commend you for not violating me or harassing me; but because our encounter could have ended up with me becoming a rape statistic, I am obliged to feel grateful and relieved. Think of that as you walk away from me, now knowing what the time is. Be aware that because you are a man, I spent our 30-second conversation planning escape routes and looking for someone to report you to. Is this unacceptable to you? It should be. I don't want to be afraid of you anymore than you want to be seen as a potential rapist - so do something about it. Sexual assault affects men just as well as women so do your part in helping to prevent it.
Thank you,
The Woman You Just Spoke To
Ava Garcia is a freshman in the College of Arts & Sciences.
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