Dear Professor,
Please excuse my absence from class this week. It was "Rally Monday" and I was down at city hall to support the Red Sox in their postseason sendoff. No, I'm not officially on the roster, but I fail to see the relevance in that observation. What role do I play on the team? Professor, perhaps it is time for you to become the student. Allow me to introduce you to "Big Games 101, A Guide for Graders."
The course will offer instructors an easy-access guide to take them through scenarios that are likely to occur during the early months of school when the NFL and NCAA football seasons are just getting started and the pennant races of the MLB become World Series chases. Further, we shall examine the proper procedure for dealing with difficult situations that may arise due to a number or factors affecting diehard student-fans during this tumultuous season. Shall we begin?
The problem: Your students are constantly fatigued and cannot pay attention or are falling asleep in class.
The reason: Sports-viewing claims millions of hours of sleep every year, due in large part to delaying start times for playoff games until later at night. Many speculate that this is done to increase ad revenue; others believe it's to prevent young children from seeing C.C. Sabathia bend over in tights.
The solution: Consider starting class later or canceling it altogether, especially after a big game runs late. Do you know what time the Rockies-Padres game ended on Monday? 12:42 a.m., and that's just when I started studying.
The problem: You begin to witness a decline in class attendance, particularly on Fridays.
The reason: This isn't actually a problem. It just means you've got yourself some dedicated student-fans; they just happen to be much more dedicated fans than they are students. Selfless to the core, they sacrifice class presence to ensure that their team never rolls into a foreign stadium without its face-painted, sign-waving, ever-excelling posse.
It's because of them that the Eagles see a little splash of shiny gold among a sea of darker (and less valuable) colors when they travel down Tobacco Road or into South Bend, Ind. Men and women for others? Yes, indeed.
The solution: Make Friday classes optional and Monday classes a planning session for clever posters and chants they can use on the road. This would save time and could even help save a life, ensuring that nobody practices reckless behavior such as studying while driving.
The problem: Many of your student-fans are increasingly edgy as the month of October goes on, while others seem melancholy and disinterested.
The reason: If they've checked out and seem disinterested, then their teams have probably been eliminated. If they're chewing their fingernails down to the cuticles, it means their teams are locked in an intense playoff series, possibly facing elimination.
If they're standing on the ledge outside the window, they're Mets fans. Look to their left and you'll see Willie Randolph.
The solution: Begin each class with a relaxing guided meditation. Pass out paper bags to anxious, hyperventilating student-fans. Remind the downtrodden and depressed that there is no salary cap in baseball and that their team's management can simply acquire pricy free agents in the offseason and buy a championship (see: Steinbrenner, George). Offer to take the hands of the ledge-jumpers. Offer their places to Trevor Hoffman and Tom Glavine.
The problem: Grades are dropping, assignments are incomplete, and cell-phone use during class is rampant.
The reason: Your student-fans are doing all they can to ensure their teams' success. They're texting their friends to find out scores. They're yelling at the television and busy strategizing, and who can study at a time like that? You try deciding whether to steal second with two outs, go for it on fourth-and-one, or finish your multivariable homework. Trust me, it's hard.
The solution: Grade amnesty during the playoffs and big conference match-ups; make-up opportunities, and skew the weight of the grades recorded in October.
Award extra credit for those who second-guess a coach's decision in well-written essay of no more than five pages and cite supporting sources in the proper format (no Wikipedia or Tim McCarver, please).
So, there you have it, Professor, a quick and easy guide for a successful October for both you and the class.
What's that? I'm supposed to present next week? Sorry, looks like I'll need a pinchhitter; the Angels are coming to town and the team needs me.
Matt Carroll is a Heights staff columnist. He welcomes comments at mcarroll@bcheights.com.
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