The real meaning of marriage

Few birthday parties hand out as favors a Barack Obama sticker and a Mary Oliver poem, but this was no ordinary party.

On a recent stormy night, about 50 people gathered to celebrate the birthday of Dr. John McDargh and his son, Sasha. With tasty food and a jukebox's music, people from different places and differing points of their lives mingled - the gay and straight, old and young, endowed chairs, undergraduates, community organizers, a bishop, priests, and all those in between. For such is the crowd that gathers around one of Boston College's most beloved professors.

For years, students have known this theology professor as a loyal friend, confidant, and mentor. Students, staff, and faculty seek his counsel, knowing "John" to be a gifted story teller, an uplifting conversationalist, and a wise spiritual director.

For BC's gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer communities, John McDargh remains a figure of vitality and hope. With his partner of 29 years and their son, John does not simply make a political statement on same-sex marriages; he gives witness to its meaning.

For at this party, McDargh stood next to his son and partner to toast the crowd. My own cultural formation occasionally results in a visceral dismissal of same-sex couples on account of the "unnaturalness" of the sight. Two men? Two women? With children!? But as McDargh's son and partner each recounted anecdotes from family vacations while guests listened and exchanged their own stories, and as one was given insight into their family life, there was nothing "unnatural" about two men, their son, and the family they form.

For that is all family is: an organic community of love and commitment, not a complex web of obligation and fear created for the accompanying tax benefits. Whether it is between two men, two women, or the "traditional" woman and man, marriage is a union of love. It is not meant to atomize and exclude the two - but to be a wellspring of life and support for the community around the couple.

Thus, what is lost on opponents of same-sex marriage is evinced rather profoundly by John McDargh and his family. Marriage can be a locus of hope and support for a community, a welcoming love-space that promotes empathy and compassion. Such is the dynamic of all human relationships - we are each a summation of the love and lessons exchanged with others over the course of our lives.

Fittingly, Dr. McDargh referenced the conclusion of Fellini's film 8 1/2 in telling everyone at his 60th birthday party that all present were completely necessary in their family's arriving to the point at which they stood today. And in that point of the night, one learned the true meaning of the Mary Oliver poem that each guest was given: "How it is that we live forever" is in the messengers we call our friends, our spouse, and our children.

Matt Hamilton is a Heights staff columnist. He accepts comments at hamiltonm@bc.edu.