Batman, Gladiator feud over beer, music
When that whole Rosie vs. The Donald tête-à-tête broke out a while back, we saw something truly magical: two shrill, obnoxious hypocrites calling each other out on their shrill, obnoxious hypocrisy. To a lesser extent, that is what the ongoing feud between Russell Crowe and George Clooney is like, as well, only with much more talent and slightly less cocaine-fueled-beauty-pageant-related debauchery. After Crowe summarily mocked Clooney for schilling a beer other than Foster's, Clooney responded by deriding Crowe's band, which, if you haven't heard it, is utterly, utterly terrible. According to reports, Clooney and Crowe plan to star in White Jazz and LA Confidential 2, respectively, two films based on the same James Ellroy novel. Look for each flick in '09, just in time for The Apprentice: Milwaukee, in which the losers have to sleep in Milwaukee.
Stupid is, and Stupid makes a sequel
Thirteen years ago, a handful of American heroes set out to alter fundamentally the landscape of human history. The task before them was daunting, yet clear: to make the best movie about a Vietnam vet/shrimp entrepreneur/Olympic ping-pong-baller/Black Panther ever. Whether or not they did that is still a matter of robust debate. In a brash attempt to capture lightning in one of those old-school Dr. Pepper bottles twice, those very heroes may have just outdone themselves. The script for Forrest Gump 2 is already completed, and in it, Forrest meets the real Tom Hanks. This might not prove as terrible of an idea as it probably is, however, as Gump boasts a proven track record of sage musery (not a word). If you recall, Gump did in fact inspire John Lennon to write one of the greatest songs of all time, a sound career move for all parties involved. Perhaps in the second installment he could extend Hanks a similar courtesy by convincing him NOT TO MAKE FORREST GUMP 2.
Neo, Jesus, and '300' other guys
If someone were to mention you in the same breath as Neo and Jesus, statistical probability would place you at either an indescribably depressing comic book store or a permanently scarring fraternity initiation. Then again, you could also be 300, which grossed nearly $71 million last weekend, making it the third highest debut for an R-rated movie behind The Matrix: Reloaded and The Passion of the Christ. This has put fundamentalist Christians across the nation in somewhat of a philosophical bind: On one hand, Jesus and a character who is like him, but with cool sunglasses, managed to stave off the box-office assault of the polytheistic and sexually ambiguous Spartans. On the other hand, Failure to Launch was the No. 1 movie in America this time last year, proving once and for all that evolution is not a theory.
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