The month of February is, traditionally, the dead month in sports - football is over, spring training is just starting, and not even the real Superman winning the slam dunk contest by sort of dunking from the foul line while wearing his cape could make the NBA interesting. For us college sports fans, the most exciting event of the month is none other than the NFL combine. And by "us college sports fans," I mean "us college sports fans not attending Memphis, Tennessee, UNC, Kansas, Duke, UCLA, or any of the other current top-25 basketball schools." The combine is especially exciting this year because five of our own Eagles will be there to run, jump, and Wonderlic their way into the future of an NFL team. With this goal in mind, I thought I'd take you through NFL Combine Day One through the eyes of a certain kind-of-a-big-deal, brown-eyed, lady-killing Boston College quarterback with two first names and an (Eli) Manning-like laser, rocket arm.
6:00 a.m.: Wake up. Fist pump.
6:30 a.m.: Breakfast. Most important meal of the day. No-brainer - Flutie Flakes. Problem. I can't have Flutie Flakes. They worked in college, but I'm trying to make a name for myself in the pros. Flutie Flakes are not going to cut it in the NFL. Do they make Favre Flakes?
6:31 a.m.: Mental note: Tell someone important-looking my idea for Favre Flakes. Or, even better: Manning Flakes. No alliteration? So what? Peyton and Eli on a cereal box? That's a keeper. I was in CSOM. I know how this works. It'll sell.
8:05 a.m.: Arrive at the RCA Dome. See Gosder. Say hi. Hope he doesn't eat me.
8:30 a.m.: First task: three-cone drill. I can totally do this - it's running back and forth and sideways and around and backward. Essentially, what I do every time my protection breaks down and I'm about to throw a completely improbable touchdown pass. Just another day at the office for Matty Ice.
9:00 a.m.: Cone drill done. Next up: 40-yard dash. Uh-oh. Can I call Chris Crane and have him do this one for me? No? OK, OK. Umm … how about Tribs? Can we call him over here and have him just do an extra one in my place? Yeah, I realize he's not even a quarterback … and yes, I understand that he's not even on the same side of the ball as me, but if we could just … no? You want an offensive player? Fine, let's get Ty Hall over here, he'd do it for me - O-line brotherhood, you know? No? I have to do it myself? No excuses? Alright, OK, fine, I'll do it. Let's go.
9:00:04:08:05 a.m.: I just ran my best 40 time ever! I am so excited! I have so much adrenaline pumping through my body, I can't breathe! I am so excited, I feel like I'm going to…
9:05 a.m.: Throw up.
10:00 a.m.: Walk over to watch the bench press. I don't have to do it. Us QB's can be successful and skinny. Like Amy Winehouse.
10:30 a.m.: Gosder wants to bench press me instead of the bar. I'm trying to run away, but apparently he has a faster 40 time than me because he's gaining.
11:30 a.m.: Managed to evade the big guy … but we seem to have another problem. Jamie Silva has gone missing. He showed up for today's workout in high-top Chuck Taylors, and he hasn't been seen since he went back for cleats after being reprimanded by an important-looking guy who I then told about my Favre/Manning Flakes idea. He didn't actually say anything in response, but I think it went well.
12:00 p.m.: Found Silva. I don't know why they didn't ask me for help sooner - I know how to find that crazy kid any time of day. Find a trash heap. Go to it. Dig around. He'll be under there somewhere. This time, he was looking for his cleats. He didn't find them, but he found a sort of broken clock radio and Tom O'Brien.
1:00 p.m.: Wonderlic!
1:05 p.m.: Wonderlic Question 1: How long does it take the average sports announcer to realize that a big-time quarterback's nickname is a reference to a cheap and disgusting beer found on college campuses across the nation?
a) five minutes
b) three games
c) a whole season
d) never - they are still calling me that even though their networks would consider it wildly inappropriate if they knew what it meant
1:10 p.m.: Wonderlic Question 6: A Red Line train is traveling West at 45 mph. A Green Line train is traveling East at 3 mph (on a good day.) How long will it take the occupants of both trains to realize that there is a successful big-time Division I college football program down the street that they continue to ignore because of their unhealthy obsession with Boston professional sports?
1:20 p.m.: Done with Wonderlic, done with Day One. Successful. Fist pump. I'm tired. Time to head back and relax, maybe throw back a couple Natty Ice's with the boys. On second thought, they're taking that picture of me in my underwear tomorrow. I don't want to look hopelessly pathetic in that shot and have it circulate when I'm at the peak of my wildly successful NFL career, a la Tom Brady. I'm going to have to pass on the brewskis.
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