All right, I have a confession to make. It is 3:19 p.m. on Saturday, April 26, 2008. Matt Ryan has been an Atlanta Falcon for a little under two minutes, and I have already ordered his jersey. I'm a dork like that. Congratulations to him and Gosder Cherilus on being selected in the first round of the NFL draft. Never before has Boston College had two players drafted in the top 20, which tells you just how special these two are.
With Boston sports teams winning so much these days, it's all too much on my brain. So I've decided that, for every Boston sports fan's well-being, we must abandon one of these teams. I know that sounds harsh, but it must be done if the entire New England area is to avoid a massive, collective, stress-induced heart attack. Not to mention, we can't get too cocky (it's bad for our image). It is here and now that the competition begins to determine which team must be eliminated.
Boston College Eagles Football
The Eagles had arguably the greatest year in their history in 2007, despite the resulting Champs Sports Bowl bid (aside: is it just me or are there too many bowl games? There were 32 last year, meaning more than half of the 120 Division I teams participated). The season Matt Ryan and Co. had has put football highest on the map in Chestnut Hill since Doug Flutie in 1984. The main wonder, however, is how the program will recover from losing Ryan and Cherilus to the pros. Every home Saturday, sections E, F, G, H, and J are full of Superfan shirts. Weekly football games are tradition, and recent success ensures that that will not end anytime soon.
Status: Safe. Doug Flutie. Matt Ryan. Enough said.
Boston College Eagles Hockey
Alright, there is pretty much zero argument that can be made against Eagles hockey as of right now. Winning a national championship has propelled the team further into the national spotlight, and success year after year ensures that this team is here to stay. Watching the triple-overtime thriller with a roomful of UNH fans was the high point of my college career (as short as it has been to this point). To Nathan Gerbe: Please stay another season. You have made my freshman year with what you have helped this team do, and I think I speak for most (read: all) of the student body when I say that we want you back. With an abundance of freshmen on this year's team, another championship within the next three years is a distinct possibility.
Status: Safe. It's impossible to bump a national champion.
New England Patriots
Three Super Bowl victories in the past seven years have made the Pats a fixture in the New England media. Tom Brady is my personal hero, and Patriots memorabilia lines the walls of my basement at home. What we have to contend with is the pre-Kraft era. Does the recent success trump 40 years of futility? From the view of a cynical sports fan, absolutely. Last season's Super Bowl loss to the Giants was an aberration that has left a bitter, bitter taste in the veterans' mouths. Don't think Richard Seymour and Tedy Bruschi have forgotten, or will anytime soon.
Status: Safe. Contenders every year, hearts of champions. Which is what they will be again before this decade is over.
Boston Red Sox
Oh, the lovable Red Sox. I'm pretty sure the first word I knew longer than 10 letters was "Yastrzemski." On any given trip from Upper to Lower Campus, one is very likely to see at least five Red Sox caps. The main thing the Sox have on their side is history. Now, for most teams, if the history of the Red Sox was applied to them, it would have been tragic. But not for this team, because hope was always there. Oct. 27, 2004 was a day in which something happened to my perspective on life. It was as if someone had flipped a switch, and I began to see the world in a whole different, brighter light. That is, after I had stopped crying (see ladies, I'm a sensitive guy).
Status: Safe. Any team that can inspire a decent Jimmy Fallon movie is good enough for me (Fever Pitch, anyone?).
Boston Celtics
This is where it gets down to the wire. The Celtics were an absolute force from 1956 until 1986, winning 16 championships in 31 years. That, however, is the problem. Until this year, the C's had not been a force. At all. But having posted the best turnaround in league history going from a 24-58 record in 2007 to 66-16 in 2008, the Garden is rocking again. Does one good season save the franchise in spite of the M.L. Carr and Rick Pitino years? Not a chance. But the possible renewal of a Celts-Lakers rivalry gives me chills just thinking about it. Or maybe it's just those short shorts from the old Boston-Los Angeles games. Either way, it would make great television.
Status: Safe. Saved by the Lakers and short shorts. Who would have figured it?
Boston Bruins
Which leaves only the Boston Bruins to face their destiny. At this point, it might be a good idea to start playing "Taps." While the Bruins made it back to the playoffs for the first time in a few seasons, a wrenching loss to the Canadiens just puts them over the edge. They have not made it to the Stanley Cup finals since I was four months old, and have not won it all since my dad was in junior high. Not to mention, the recent lack of success would make the breakup easier. Think of the Bruins as that girl you hooked up with once, and it was a lot of fun, but you know it will never amount to anything more.
Status: Bruins, I think it's best we see other people. I have a date with the Celtics tonight.
So there you have it. Sports fans, I know this is hard, but it's for your own good. Hey, look on the bright side, there is never a point on the calendar when one of these teams will not still be playing. Given the recent management issues, the eighth seed in the playoffs is about as good as we can expect from the Bruins, and given the rest of our teams' performances, that just is not good enough. Remember Bostonians, it's not you. It's them.
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