A difficult choice, a final goodbye to 'The Heights'

To say that my decision to study abroad rather than spend another year on The Heights editorial board threw me into an existential crisis would be a bit extreme. Melodramatics aside, however, Sartre's views on choice added a new dimension to my moments of self-doubt.

I vacillated between studying abroad and remaining on campus the full eight semesters for the first year and a half of college. Being elected Features editor and having found an abroad program that appealed to me presented a conflict, and I finally made a decision: I would spend a year on the board and, once my term was over, I would study abroad at the University of Amsterdam. The decision seemed like a no-brainer at the time - I would be able to have the best of both worlds, a year on the board and a semester in Europe. And it was an easy decision then because I had yet to experience what it is like to be a Heights editor.

The finiteness of my tenure was always in the background as I passed my first semester on the board, loving every minute of it; but the reality that it would eventually come to an end did not hit me until I came back from summer break. As the number of issues left in the semester decreased at what seemed like an alarmingly fast rate, my decision to leave in December began to seem less like a no-brainer and more like a mistake.

There were moments this semester where I considered staying. The fact that I had been accepted to UvA over the summer was what kept me from changing my mind; I told myself that this made my decision irreversible even though part of me knew that this wasn't exactly true. Nonetheless, I still felt the need to justify my decision, not to those around me, but to myself. I looked for reassurance in a variety of places. The responsibilities that come with putting out a weekly section of the paper mean that there is usually not a lot of time for other obligations like schoolwork. Perhaps it was inevitable that my thoughts on the latter would affect my thoughts on the former. Consequently, Voltaire's argument that in order to gain knowledge one must travel reinforced my opinion that going abroad would give me valuable life experiences in the form of exposure to another culture.

And then I read Sartre: "To choose to do this or that is to affirm at the same time the value of what we choose." Five months in Europe or another year on The Heights? I had chosen Europe, but I rejected the idea that I was affirming the value of a semester abroad over one on The Heights because the latter has meant too much to me.

Up until this point, The Heights has defined my college experience. The first people I formed a connection with at Boston College, apart from my amazing freshman-year roommates, were the people I met when I came in to read copy on the big blue couch. The first party in the Mods I ever went to was a Heights party. The people who advised me on which classes and which professors to take were - you guessed it - Heights people. Most importantly, however, some of my closest friends are the people I have spent every Sunday with for the past year. Years from now, when I look back on my time at BC, I will remember those Sundays and all the other days and nights I spent with my fellow editors and recall the thoughts of Mrs. Ramsay: of such moments, the thing is made that endures.

But part of me knows that the same could be said of my time in Amsterdam. To encounter something so completely different from anything I have experienced before - to live in another country and another culture and to have the unparalleled opportunity to travel - those too are moments where the thing is made that endures.

As I've come to terms with the fact that my tenure as an editor is over, I've also come to understand what it is that I am choosing. I am not choosing to study abroad over staying with The Heights; I am choosing to give myself the chance to create other memories that, like my time on The Heights, will last. I hope that my time in Amsterdam will live up to my expectations; maybe it won't, but that doesn't really matter. What I value is the opportunity to find out.

Thank you to my readers, my staff, and my fellow editors. It's been a great year.