I didn't get any sleep last week. Neither did my roommate. What this means is that I was sick. Really sick. Too sick to even watch TV. And Best Week Ever was on, too.
The answer was obvious: Go to the infirmary. Obvious, that is, to everyone but me.
I will admit that I am afraid of medical care. I am impatient and hate reading old magazines (the ones you would find in a medical office), but I mainly trace this fear back to my childhood, when, as far as I can tell, each medical professional's reaction to every physical problem I developed, including nearsightedness, was to stick me with a needle.
"You won't feel a thing!" they'd lie as they prepped a needle only slightly larger than a redwood trunk. As a child, I was more afraid of having my blood drawn than alligators in the toilet or my grandmother. My grandmother, at least, gave no pretenses. And her stories may just get me a book deal some day.
Of course, today I no longer have this juvenile phobia, because, as a mature young adult, I can lie.
"Why, I just had a blood test this morning!" I can tell anyone, should the issue ever arise. "Six of them, in fact!"
But I'm still wary of medical care. And I'm not comforted by medical dramas on TV such as Grey's Anatomy or House. Now, I understand that those shows aren't indicative of real life, since doctors are too busy to be that interesting, and I've finally resigned myself to the fact that Hugh Laurie will never limp into my life. But give me a chance to explain myself.
At the collegiate level, things are certainly different. As long as we've all had our meningitis boosters, as far as most of us students are concerned, everything from eczema to leprosy can be taken care of by a few Tylenols and a tube of Bengay. There's also the pitfall known as Unlicensed Self-Medication. Twisted ankle? Walk it off! Suspicious mole? Concealer! Loss of sight in one eye? Shots!
Yet when an epidemic strikes campus- and boy, does it hit hard - it can reduce even the most seasoned undergrad to whimpering, "I just want to come home" to his mom over the phone.
At this point, shouldn't things be turned over to the professionals?
Well, if you're willing to pop some brown-bagged antibiotics for every sneeze, you really need to reexamine your student qualifications. And survival skills. And, well, it wouldn't hurt if you were kept under constant adult supervision for the rest of your life.
Which is why I'm not one of the infirmary's biggest fans.
My most recent visit involved dragging myself up the million dollar stairs for my inconveniently scheduled appointment at 9:15 a.m. For those of you who have yet to stop by, the infirmary is conveniently located in Cushing Hall along with the political science class that I failed to attend since it conflicted with my visit. After barely deciphering the ever important billing form from the spots in my eyes, I was able to settle down in the waiting room.
One of the few things I actually do enjoy about the infirmary is the waiting room. Sure, it's a hotbed of disease, where pestilential epidemics like mono, strep throat, or High School Musical breed and spread. But it's also probably the only place on campus where a sick person is not treated like a total pariah. I can go in, proudly pull out my family-size box of tissues, and sneeze without fear of driving the person sitting next to me three chairs away. That miserable camaraderie is one of the few things that keeps me going after my immune system gives out.
So, after gagging on a popsicle stick, having had my lymph nodes assaulted, and feeling self-conscious about my apparently shallow breathing habits, I was released with my goody bag of assorted medications in convenient little paper envelopes.
Eventually, the meds cleared up whatever had been plaguing my body enough for me to carry on with my regular class schedule and spread my germs to all the other unsuspecting undergrads. I'm not worried for you all, however. Should you start hacking up a lung or spontaneously begin losing appendages, you can rest assured that every piece of your body, in accordance with precedent and modern medical standards, will receive a full blood test.
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