Ever hear the one about the maverick, the messiah, the regular Joe from Scranton, and the moose-shootin' gal from Alaska?
No?
Well, bless your non-elitist heart: I'm talking about the 2008 presidential election.
It's OK if none of this rings a bell. I'll help you out. Because, at the end of the day, this election is really about reaching out to folks from all walks of life - from Main Street to Wall Street to, yes, that dark, dank cave you've been hiding in. I am the helping hand you've been waiting for. I will pull you out of that cave of darkness and disaffection, even though it's allergy season and I'm rather sensitive to mold.
Folks, I'm here to prove that this presidential election can and will matter to you - yes, you. Of course, I could talk about the issues being debated. Or I could talk about how the outcome of this election will someday have repercussions for your children, and your children's children, and your children's children's children. Or I could remind you to apply for your absentee ballot by going on Google and typing something like "absentee ballot New York."
Oh, but that would be boring.
Sure, America's got problems, and everyone's looking to our candidates for answers. But the biggest problem is that everyone is focusing on what the candidates are saying.
(Again: boring.)
Instead, why don't we talk about what our choice of candidates says about us? Are political campaigns as dirty as we think they are? How can we better understand their motives?
Look, I'm going to give it to you straight: It's a lot of work for politicians to prove that they're just like you. Because they are not, in fact, you. Some examples: They are running for the highest public office in the United States of America; you are not. They have teams of paid advisers that make sure they don't screw up; you do not. They are entitled to about $80 million in government money; you, unfortunately, are not. They are subject to intense media scrutiny; you only answer to the Facebook news feed. They cannot blink; you can.
So I propose an alternative: Instead of making our politicians pretend to be just like us, why don't we try to be more like them? Using the tactics of modern presidential campaigns, you just may win friends, influence people, fix our broken politics, and, most importantly, inspire an SNL doppelganger.
Appealing to swing voters: Swing voters are the talk of every presidential election. They're those independent voters in the middle who tend to be more indecisive, less engaged in politics, and generally more moderate on the issues than the rest of the country. They also decide elections. So, every four years, presidential candidates pretend to care about what the wishy-washy people in the middle think.
Here's an exercise for you, dear Eagle: Abandon your core constituency. These people are also known as "friends." They like you. They believe in you. They say nice things about you. They will always be there.
Ignore them.
It also goes without saying that you should ignore people who think you're absolutely vile. They will never like you. They don't believe in you. They say mean things about you. They will never be there.
What to do, dear Eagle?
Aim for the middle. Divide the swing voters into a number of voting blocs, and - this is crucial - you must give a snazzy name to each one. Because you don't have a paid political consultant to do this for you, you're on your own. Try sidling up to the Cigarette Smokers Outside Your Dorm. See how the current recession is affecting their wallets. Talk to the Desperate Freshmen about climate change. Hold a town-hall style event for the Bring Back the Rat Union. You get the idea. Soon enough, you'll have everyone on your side.
Refine your message and hammer it home: Your personal campaign must have a message that is clear, concise, and consistent. Figure out what method is best for communicating your message. For example, you may run through the Quad screaming, "I am the one you've been waiting for! Hurrah!" (Fist pumps could really help here, but use them sparingly.)
Alternatively, you may try sitting on the Comm. Ave. bus, delivering every-hour-on-the-hour straight talk to anyone who will listen.
These are all viable options. Get a feel for the political and social climate before deciding on a message and tone for your campaign. After that, you must not look back. You must not blink.
Clean house: This is crucial. There are some people in your life whose extracurricular activities will haunt your campaign. After vetting them with three tried-and-true tools - Facebook, hearsay, and wiretapping - you must decide which of these people you will use for personal gain, and which ones you will throw under the proverbial Newton Bus.
If all else fails, try a stunt: If you feel that your personal campaign is losing its shine, try something outrageous. You can get away with a lot. Tell all of your professors that you have to suspend all deadlines to deal with the current economic crisis. Lobby for a bailout. If the constituency thinks that you haven't devoted enough time to your academics, assure them that you can see the library from your window. So it's like you already studied.
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