I sat and watched The Office in my room trying desperately to figure out what to do.
Two choices, just like there always are. It's never easy. It's never obvious, no matter how much I try and will it to be.
On the one hand, literally, is my girlfriend, looking at me inquisitively. She knows me well enough to see that I can't decide what to do, but she really isn't helping since, well, she is part of the fork in the road. So instead she looks at me and tilts her head in that way which says "I know what you are thinking, I know that you know I know, and well - what the hell you going to do, Dave?"
On the other hand is my phone with a text message from a friend, wondering if I'll be heading to the bar to hang out as we always do on Thursdays. My friend more than wonders, though: he assumes. It's not a question, but a statement that they will be there, and I'll be there too.
I've been floundering all day long, dreading having to make the decision, hoping something will bail me out - or more likely, hoping someone will bail me out. Of course, neither of them will. I have to choose.
I'm already finished, I think, overanalyzing what might not be an important decision in 24 hours, but what at the moment feels like it might make getting to the next 24 hours impossibly hard.
I worked two of the last four nights, did homework the other two. I haven't seen any friends, girl or not, in four days. I've done nothing with any of them, and tonight I'm going to have to choose. She isn't 21. They aren't going to stay in. I have to choose.
Of course, both will understand, but one side is going to get hurt. Not that my presence is what they need, but since I made no commitments either way, they both took to assuming. And the assuming is my fault, this much I know.
So I watch The Office, pour a gin and tonic, and flounder some more. It must happen to everyone, I think, but what does everyone else do? Is an option to piss both off equally and let them bond over being angry with me? Can I find a valid excuse other than I picked someone else over you tonight? How do you say that to your best friends or your girlfriend?
My girlfriend tells me to go. I hadn't said a word. I look at her, and she tells me to go, again and again. I get a phone call, and I still refuse to say what I'm going to do.
I stand up and go to my room to get dressed. Has to happen either way, clothes are essential. I look at the shirts, one says girlfriend on it, the other bar. It's pretty clear which is which.
She walks in the room and tells me to go, says she'll be fine. I know she won't be, I can see in the way she avoids my eyes she isn't really happy that I'm even choosing. She isn't clingy and she never makes me pick, that's something we have talked about before. It isn't supposed to be a choice. She always tells me to go, but I know it's more than that. I hug her, give her a quick kiss, and tell her the truth: I don't know.
I have to pick, and it's no one's fault but mine. We stand there and I try and figure out what she really wants, she's pretty sincere in telling me to go, but she's good at tricking me. I wonder if I could be as good at hiding my real thoughts, I think. No way, she knows what I want and what I'm wanting to want. They aren't the same things.
Just like a night with my friends isn't the same as a night with her. They switch roles. One night I want one, the other night I wish I knew which I wanted, and another night I wish neither wanted me and I didn't have to pick. Maybe this is why hermits exist; they give up on choosing. That probably isn't my solution.
I grab a shirt and I put it on. Neither choice is right. Might as well pick the one I want for a night, try and get to the next 24 hours to know if it mattered.
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