"I've recently turned 21. My best friend and roommate has been 21 for some time now but never really goes out to bars. Since I turned 21, I have been going out more and relying less on on-campus partying. He, on the other hand, prefers to invite everyone he knows over to our Mod every weekend. Since I am no longer relying on our parties, I haven't been hanging around for them. He has been greatly annoyed by my decision and feels that I'm jumping ship now that I'm legal. How do I tell him that I'd rather not have parties at our place every weekend and prefer to keep it cleaner?" Legal and Living
Lisa Says: He doesn't want to go out? Does he realize that this is senior year and that's what you do? Especially now that his friends are of age and he'd have company. I was the last of my friends to turn 21, and when they all went out sometimes I would get secretly irritated. But your friend can go out with you - he has no grounds on which to be annoyed. He can't use the excuse that the novelty has worn off; he has been legal for less than a year. Don't feel sorry for him.
It seems that he is insecure about your relationship. Back when only he was 21, he could flit around bars and know that you would be safely tucked at home, where he could find you whenever he was bored. But now he's lost that control. He is upset. Don't let him constantly tie you down, but make a few sacrifices for the good of the best friendship.
This may sound like it belongs in a Lifetime movie, but seek out some quality-time moments. Join him for video games after class, or offer to make a second George Foreman grilled cheese at lunchtime.
Maybe one night you could help host the party. You can't understand why he doesn't want to participate in your social life; he might feel the same way, so join your raging Mod fetes occasionally. Once you've established that you still like hanging out with him, try asking him to clean up a bit after his parties. He'll be much more receptive.
Ryan Responds: Well, first off, I don't know what you were anticipating when you were planning to live in the Mods, but most Mods look like a tornado has run through on Sunday mornings. If you wanted to live somewhere a little tidier, you should have considered either living in St. Ignatius Gate or living with girls. In regard to your roommate, he actually sounds like a great guy. Personally, I would enjoy coming to your Mod, drinking the free booze, and hanging out with your roommate.
I imagine that this partying is somewhat limited, but if this happens every night, then it would obviously be more worrisome. You can mention this concern if it will make you feel better, but he probably won't change as a result. I am also guessing the other people in your Mod enjoy the partying as well. So, you are probably going to have to take your concerns up with them, too. Now, I understand why the excessive partying and the dirty common room are problematic, but why your roommate is upset that you don't attend his parties on the weekends is something I am having trouble grasping. It's not like you two are dating, but he is acting like it. Your extra-sensitive roommate needs to get over himself.
It sounds to me like you guys could easily work things out if you are willing to compromise. Your roommate can make less of a mess and try and have people over less often and you can make an effort to go to his little get-togethers.
"Housing drama strikes once again. I had promised my friend since freshman year that we would live together senior year but I've come to realize that we are better off as friends and NOT as roommates. She and I have a great friendship, but I am certain that I could never stand to live in the same room as her. How do I gently tell her that our promise from three years ago may not hold up today?" Housing Dilemmas Persist
Ryan Says: Something I learned early on in life is that it's bad to make promises you can't keep. I continue to do it, however, despite the consequences. But, something I would never do, because it is pure lunacy, is make a promise about something three years in the future. Who are you kidding? How could you have predicted that you would even still be friends with her in your senior year?
A lot of the problem has to do with your gender. My apologies. For instance, if you tell a guy you promised to live with him three years in advance, he probably won't remember. It's actually a definite fact that he would have long forgotten about your promise. If you say the same thing to a girl, however, she is going to hold you to your word. Not that a guy wouldn't, if they remember, but we are just lazier about that kind of thing.
So, I first think that you are making too big of a deal of this promise you made three years ago, but if it's important to her and she's your friend, I guess it has to be important to you.
When you finally have to tell her that you don't want to live with her, there is really no easy way. I would suggest that you provide examples of what some potential conflicts could be.
You could even go as far to suggest alternative people to live and why living with them would be better. It's not going to be easy or fun, but a few minutes of pain is much better than an entire year.
Lisa Responds: A freshman-year promise, made during the door-wide-open period, under the influence of the "I should try to be best friends with everyone or else I'll be alone" phase, is not still valid senior year. You haven't lived with her for the past two years and you probably have your own group of close roommate friends. If it's working, stick with them. You know by now the contentious nature of the friendship-turned-roommateship. It's senior year - do what you want. No rules apply to that period of your life.
Tell her that you are already living with five other people and everyone really wants to stay together, so there's no room. That's easier that telling her that you can't possibly see yourself happily sharing a bedroom and bathroom with her. She must have had roommates since freshman year … why don't they want to keep her? If she's chosen singles the past two years, I commend you for being wary.
Are you sure she remembers this pact? Maybe she's experiencing the same terror of having to confront you about the issue. Because you have a great friendship, you should be able to talk openly about things. Have the talk over coffee at French Press (from Hillside you can see some senior-year housing and it might just taunt you). If she starts to hint that maybe you should be a great pal and hold up your end of the bargain or asks what color scheme you recommend for the bathroom, have the talk sooner rather than later.
Then rejoice that you only have one more lottery to get through.
Lisa Cook is a senior staff columnist for The Heights. She welcomes comments at cooklb@bcheights.com.
Ryan Lopez is a staff columnist for The Heights. He welcomes comments at lopezr@bcheights.com.
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