I'm starting to get the impression that my roommate is becoming a little clingy and she is starting to copy me. At first I thought I was being paranoid when she would buy the same clothes as me but she recently announced that she has decided to study abroad in the same exact program that I have already applied for. I know that imitation is supposedly the sincerest form of flattery but this is starting to get annoying. How do I politely tell her to get her own life? -In Search of Normal Roommates for Next Year
Lisa says: You could start with a casual "why the heck did you suddenly decide to go there," question, as in, "Clearly, I think Rome is great, but why did you decide on that program?" You could follow up with the reasons why you are perfectly suited to don Versace sunglasses and feast on pizza - "I've taken Italian for five years and am hoping this experience will perfect it" - and why she would do better elsewhere - "Didn't you always want to see Eiffel Tower?" Tell her how cool it would be if she chose a different country; then you could visit each other and have free places to stay.
It seems, however, that those subtle hints might not dissuade her from her higher imitation goals. Sacrificing a semester at Boston College to follow you across the world proves this girl means business.
But the study-abroad struggle is just the most recent issue of contention. While six months physically apart from each other would decrease your friend's ability to copy you, you still have senior year to think about. Start suggesting new clothing styles that would look great on her but you could never pull off, attend some parties sans your friend and meet new ones, and don't agree to be her roommate next year if you can help it. The last step would be the obvious but difficult conversation when you flat out tell her that when she wears dark skinny jeans to match yours it's not flattering, it's creepy.
If she does follow you on a European adventure, choose a different group of girls to live with and reach out and befriend the locals. Or at least realize that all problems get better with fresh bread and a bottle of wine.
Ryan responds: Your friend is a freak. At a certain age (5 and a half), imitation starts to become not only ridiculous but also very irritating. Unfortunately, there is no nice way to tell her to stop copying you, but you have to tell her. She will undoubtedly get defensive when you accuse her of copying you: "It's just a coincidence that we are studying abroad in the same place," "Yes, I realize that we have the same purse, but it's only because it's my favorite color," "How was I suppose to know you had already bought the same shoes as me?" or even, "No, that is not a small shrine dedicated to you in my closet."
The point is that you are going to have to provide specific examples of what she is doing and why it is weird and annoying. The second part should be obvious to most people, but it clearly isn't to her. After you have laid out the things she does that concern you, give her an opportunity to change. Everyone should get a second chance.
If she hasn't changed after your little talk, I would disassociate from her as much as possible. This is not only because she is inconvenient, but also because I would be seriously concerned for your welfare.
Maybe I have watched too many movies, but it sounds like your obsessive roommate is a few steps away from flaying you and wearing your skin as a vestment; incredibly gross, but incredibly possible for the nutcase roommate.
If things continue to get out of hand, I've heard Boston is home to some of the best mental health services in the world.
My roommate and this guy have been dating for a few months now. He's a really nice guy and is always trying to do nice, "romantic" things for her, and he wants to commit to being girlfriend and boyfriend. My roommate, though, does not want this and constantly complains about him to everyone and argues with him all the time. He's even started confiding in me, telling me he doesn't know what to do because she keeps sending him mixed signals. It's really none of my business, which is why I've stayed out of it for such a long time, but I'm starting to really feel bad for him. I don't think she's treating him fairly at all. What should I do? -Hesistant to Get Involved
Ryan says: Can someone please explain to me the difference between "dating" and "having a boyfriend or girlfriend?" Are there certain things you can do as someone's girlfriend or boyfriend that you can't do when you are dating? For example, does dating mean that he can't go past second base, or she isn't expecting a phone call everyday?
I've found that many people (and by people, I mean girls) expect some sort of formal commencement to becoming girlfriend and boyfriend. I don't know if girls are hoping for something akin to a marriage proposal, but what usually ends up happening is the guy says something to the effect of "Hey, uh, we've been hooking up for a couple months now. Do you want to make it official?" Although there is no apparent difference, it's now official, and, I guess, that makes them happy.
Anyway, back to your disaster of a friend. It is pretty clear that your friend has commitment issues. This normally wouldn't be a problem for her, unless she wants to be in a serious relationship. This guy appears to be very committed to her, and it's not really fair to him that she isn't reciprocating. He can continue to try to work it out, but ultimately he is going to realize that she isn't willing to change. By sticking around, he is almost encouraging her unappreciative behavior. I would recommend that this guy tells her that he tried everything he can, but he has to walk away.
Lisa responds: In case you haven't realized, most advice centers on the theme of "talk to your friend." This one is no different. The problems that you've noticed are valid, and out of concern for this poor boy you must tell your friend that she's being quite nasty. After dating for a few months, normally two people begin a formal relationship or break it off; if not, it's called "hooking up."
During a complaining spell, ask her why she continues to stay with this guy if he doesn't make her happy (and if she walks all over him, but just think that part). Point out all the sweet things he's doing and how you think he's really trying to build a relationship with her. It's endearing and romantic.
If she glares and responds with "because I don't really like him," you should suggest that she strongly consider breaking it off, now.
If the guy has started confessing his feelings to you, the situation has suddenly become your business. He's looking for guidance and for validation of his patience. This can't be fun for him. Tell him that you know he likes XX - and so do you, as her roommate - but that you don't see things working out. She has a lot going on - blah, blah, etc. - and maybe he should give her space. Possibly forever.
He sounds like a good guy … maybe you should take over your roommate's power struggle and show him that some girls appreciate persistence.
Lisa Cook is a senior staff columnist for The Heights. She welcomes comments at cooklb@bcheights.com.
Ryan Lopez is a staff columnist for The Heights. He welcomes comments at lopezr@bcheights.com.
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