Last weekend I got pretty sauced with my buddies, and I ended up passing out - typical. In the middle of the night, I got up and stumbled to the bathroom and on the way back I couldn't see anything because it was so dark. I climbed into what I thought was my bed and fell back asleep, but a few hours later I woke up and there was one of the other guys I live in the house with, Ethan, lying right next to me. Even though this clearly happened accidentally and everyone else thought it was funny, I think Ethan's kind of pissed and he gets annoyed every time it's brought up. Should I just keep joking around about it, or should I just try and pretend this thing never happened? -Once Upon a Mattress
Lisa says: This is an awkward question. I can see why you are looking for advice.
As long as you sleep with pants on, I can't see why this is a huge deal. And why didn't Ethan shake you and roll you out of bed if he had such an issue with a little accidental roommate cuddling? Clearly the situation of unexpectedly waking up two inches from another person (guy or girl) warrants a few jokes, and should occasionally be referenced at parties in years to come. You made the mistake, you can employ some self-deprecation.
But probably this event is funnier for you than for your friend. You are not the only one in your suite with embarrassing weekend stories or interesting experiences after beer consumption. You all had a good laugh over your slip-up the next morning, but then your roommates moved on to thinking about waffles, football, and Roggie's happy hour. You may have sat at the breakfast table still chuckling to yourself - not noticing Ethan grimacing at the other end - but now it's time to move on. And stop irritating your cuddle-buddy.
Maybe more than the actual sleepover, he's annoyed with your constant passing out on weekends. This "typical" behavior - preceded perhaps by noisy tirades, rustling through chip bags, and shouting obscenities - can become grating. You should consider the option that you are an obnoxious roommate.
With regard to the evening in question, as long as it was a platonic passed-out night, Ethan should get over it and start closing his door. But because you are the one who committed a roommate foul, respect his annoyance and shut up.
Ryan responds:This is a more serious kind of question, and, as a result, I am going to do my best to answer it without offending anybody. The last thing I need are e-mails enlightening me about my ignorance. I'm aware, thanks.
So, you drank too much and had a bad experience. Welcome to college. Whether it's a harmless mistake, like passing out drunk in front of St. Ignatius Gate or something more serious, like verbally harassing a resident assistant, it's tough to get through college without making a few bad decisions.
What I imagine concerns you the most, however, are the underlying questions about your sexuality. If you happen to be gay, that's great. There's obviously nothing wrong with that, and I would encourage you to possibly use this experience as a springboard for your coming out. I have a friend from Oregon who had a similar incident to yours. His experience has allowed him to finally come to grips with his homosexuality, which was quite remarkable.
If you are straight, that's fine too, because regardless of sexual orientation the fact is that you woke up in a bed next to someone that you didn't intend to sleep beside. Whenever that happens, there is always going to be some inherent awkwardness.
You can either decide to ignore this incident all together or you can address it. If this happened with someone less significant, then you could get away with pretending that this never happened. But, because this guy is probably a good friend of yours and you'll be seeing him a lot, you may want to address it. It won't be a big deal unless you want it to be. If you are constantly bringing it up, it is not going to go away. Mention it once, apologize for infringing on his personal space, allow everyone else to have a good laugh, and move on.
I've started going out with a girl here at BC recently, and she's great, we get along great. We have the same beliefs and interests and sense of humor. We're compatible in just about every area, except for one: she's very into public displays of affection. We'll be walking through O'Neill and she'll start rubbing her nose against my cheek or we'll be sitting at Lower and she'll turn and start kissing me on the cheek. It's all innocent stuff, but still, I'm not comfortable with it. Am I a prude, or can I tell her I'm uncomfortable without making her angry? -Pretty Darn Annoyed
Ryan says: In relationships, there are few things that annoy me. These include the four-to-six days a month when everything is my fault, talking of any kind during sporting events, and the incessant question "What are you thinking about now?" However, these bow to the mother-of-that-which-is-obnoxious: public displays of affection.
I haven't really figured out why people participate in public displays of affection. Are they worried that other people won't believe they are dating unless they prove it? "Sweetie, let's prove everyone in the Dustbowl wrong. Get over here and make out with me for the next 10 minutes." Or is it some animalistic way of fending off members of the opposite sex? As if sucking his face will let other girls know that he is taken.
Unfortunately, that accomplishes none of these aforementioned goals. It just annoys people around you until they consider physically harming you. So, you can't continue to let your girlfriend molest you in public. Holding hands is fine, and I would even let the occasional peck slide. However, what you describe is beyond decency.
Here's how you move things along: Start by subtly hinting that you want things to change. When that doesn't work, you are going to have to confront her. Tell her about how awesome she supposedly is, and then let her know that there is a time and place for this kind of thing, and O'Neill Plaza isn't it. In fact if you wanted to, you guys could play a fun game as a couple. You can call it "We can only be affectionate when other people aren't around." If she succeeds, then everyone wins because she gets to show you how much she cares, just not in public. But, if she loses the game, she will be single again. She might be less excited about that part.
Lisa responds: You can tell her, and should tell her, but move carefully. She may take it as a sign that you don't want others to know about her, are embarrassed being seen with her in public, or just don't really like her kisses. In case you haven't noticed yet, girls really do read too far into everything.
Before you delicately mention that maybe snuggling in booths at Lower or staging love scenes in O'Neill Plaza isn't the best idea all the time, find ways to show you like being close to her.
Reinforcing gender stereotypes, girls crave physical closeness, from hand-holding to hooking your thumb into her jeans pocket to kissing goodbye when you part for class. Sure, it's thoughtful and romantic and all that … but it's also a sign that your boyfriend wants to be with you and doesn't care if the whole campus knows.
So decide what you're comfortable with- holding hands? Hugs and tiny kisses on the cheek every now and then? Arm around her waist when talking in a group? Make a point to start obviously doing these things a few days before your chat. Then when you disclose your true anti-PDA feelings, she won't feel rejected. Be prepared to explain, many times, that it's not her, it's you etc. etc. You think she's great, you love being with her. You just have a hard time kissing her when 9,000 people are walking by.
If you are compatible in all other areas and really do connect when it's just the two of you on the couch, she should understand.
But you had better step up your level of thoughtful gestures for a while, just in case.
Lisa Cook is a senior staff columnist for The Heights. She welcomes comments at cooklb@bcheights.com.
Ryan Lopez is a staff columnist for The Heights. He welcomes comments at lopezr@bcheights.com.
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