Disclaimer: I am the last person in the world who ought to be giving fashion advice. My wardrobe consists largely of jeans, plaid shirts, and monochromatic T-shirts (what I call "lumberjack chic"). I don't own anything pink or baby blue, although apparently those are hot colors for guys now, and I think trucker hats belong on the heads of truckers and little-leaguers.
But I promise that if you bear with me just this one time, I will never misuse this column space to give fashion advice ever again. In fact, I pinky-swear. I just need to put my two cents in, and then you can go back to reading the legitimate columns. Or the comics. I hear Dilbert is funny this week.
And now, my point:
Popped collars have sparked a debate that's as heated as the Bush/Kerry prizefight that took place last Thursday. Some love it and others hate it. Proponents of the "pop" say it is an attention-grabber which adds the finishing touch to a well-planned wardrobe. Dissenters criticize the fad as an example of fashion's absurdity, a testament to the ills of affluence and arrogance.
I don't see the appeal. Call me a fashion pragmatist, but having a couple extra inches of cotton around my neck is more of a burden than a statement. If I want to keep my neck warm or block out the sun's UV rays, I'll wear a turtleneck. And collars standing at full attention hinder your peripheral vision. They are very distracting. I've heard from reliable sources that there have been up to ten instances nation-wide of accidents directly attributed to collar-poppage.
And don't even get me started on maintenance. Keeping your collar crisp and pointing up at a perfect 70-degree angle is a full-time job. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'll admit that I've tried the "pop" once or twice. But in my defense, I performed the experiment strictly for the purposes of curiosity, in the safety and security of my own room. When I was a kid, I caught crabs in jars and tried to incite a death-match by shaking the jar. Same idea, different circumstances.
One popped collar is enough. But lately I've seen a surge of the infamous "double-pop": two (or more) layered shirts of varying degrees of color, with each collar ever-straining to reach Polaris, the North Star. Isn't it more than a bit warm and uncomfortable with all that cotton on? And at that point, why stop at a few? You might as well just go all out and wear every single collared shirt you own. Just keep piling them one on top of another, and you could quite possibly become the coolest kid on campus.
Another thing that has come to my attention is T-shirts advertising events and places that the owner has likely neither participated in nor visited. I may be wrong, but I doubt that any student here was old enough to attend the 1973 Abercrombie Surf Contest. Or the American Eagle Track & Field Meet of '84.
On that same note, "Virginia may be for lovers," and "Ithaca may be gorges," but isn't it more satisfying if you've been there? Wouldn't you rather have a souvenir from a corner-shop tourist trap then from an uber-hip megastore like Urban Outfitters?
I almost feel bad when I see people sporting clothes with teams they've never played on and places they've never stepped foot in. Is life really so boring and insufficient that we have to live in a fantasy world where anyone can be a varsity athlete or a state wrestling champion? If you like wrestling, join the wrestling team. If you like surfing, buy a board and take some lessons. And if you have a special place in your heart for Nevada, then by all means plan a road trip and play the slots.
Bear in mind that I'm writing this column mainly in jest. I honestly do believe that people ought to be able to wear whatever they want, however they want, without worrying about potential taunts or condescending glances. This goes for everyone, from popped-collar preppies to fishnet-flaunting freaks to lumberjacks like myself. The bottom line, though, is that clothes are meant to cover you, keep you warm, and store your things. This is not to say that personal choice and preference should be overlooked in favor of practicality. The key here lies in moderation and reasonableness. By all means, express yourself. But don't be so concerned with the statement you're making that you forget why you're wearing those cargo pants and North Face jackets in the first place.
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