I would like to begin first by welcoming everyone back for the forthcoming year. I trust that everyone had an excellent summer. Mine was miserable; thanks for asking. But that is a story for another day, there are more pressing concerns.
When I returned home the other day to my Mod (hehehe), I was rudely greeted by a letter confirming the vicious rumors that I had been bombarded with all week.
Boston College is erecting a fence that will circumnavigate the Mods in an effort to ward off any unruly or over-exuberant youths from participating in Mod activities.
The wording of this letter was duplicitous at best, issuing oxymoronic statements describing the fence as a “discrete … decorative wrought iron” structure. Hmmm … sounds discrete and its decorative nature will surely be well received.
They also mention in the letter that some poor landscape architect has been “retained.” I feel that this poor man should be released immediately on his own recognizance or at least have a very low bail set.
I feel that the aforementioned restrictive measure is not nearly oppressive enough. Therefore I have a few suggestions as to other steps that could be taken to continue to prevent students from having too much fun.
My modest proposal involves an extravagant and somewhat expensive method of curtailing a good time. There will be numerous measures necessary to ensure the serenity of the Mods.
First, a moat must be dug around the entire Mod area. The moat should be a minimum of 10 feet deep and will be guarded by a carnivorous giant lizard (preferably fire-breathing).
There will be only two entrances and they will both be via drawbridge. At the end of each drawbridge there will be a “discrete decorative wrought iron” portcullis.
Perched atop this portcullis will be off-duty dining hall employees equipped with cauldrons of boiling oil, which will be poured onto invaders (students).
When the invaders are sufficiently covered and have begun to scream and writhe in pain, their troubles have only begun.
I have long wondered the reason for the odd shape of the roof on the Plex, but now I have realized the sensibility of the turreted roof. It provides a perfect concealment area for the archers.
The archers, utilizing flaming arrows, will remain in hiding until the appropriate moment of student disobedience. They will launch their arrows with deadly accuracy at the debilitated aggressors already covered in oil.
The flames will ignite the oil and the student will erupt in a fiery explosion. The only possible escape for the continuously burning individual will be to dive into the waters of the moat where they will most likely be eaten by Pius (the fire-breathing lizard).
Another very necessary expenditure is the immediate implementation of protective collars. Each underage student will be fitted will a collar that must be worn 24 hours a day.
As a student comes within one hundred yards of the Mods, a small series of electric shocks will be sent from the collar through the person’s central nervous system. The shocks will increase in intensity if the student continues to walk in the direction of the Mods.
If this wayward character manages to infiltrate the perimeter of the Mods the collar will detonate, thus removing the head of the offending individual.
All severed heads will immediately be taken to the recently acquired indigenous witch doctor from the Amazon River Basin (who has been relishing the media attention he has received since becoming Boston College’s first “Director of Witchcraft”).
The witch doctor will then mysteriously shrink the heads of the unlucky persons and mount them on the pikes of the fence, which I feel, will nicely appoint the already very “decorative” iron fence.
What if you are 21 or you live in the Mods, you ask? Well, I have an answer for that as well. At each drawbridge, there will be someone checking IDs. If you indicate that you wish to show an ID, the drawbridge will be lowered and you will be spared the boiling oil.
However, I propose to employ two excellent bouncers (both of them happen to be reincarnates). On one gate will be Torquemada the Grand Inquisitor. The other entrance will be monitored by none other than Josepf Stalin.
It’s anyone’s guess as to which gate to try your luck.
Let’s say you try and sneak a fake ID past Torquemada. He will look at you, apologize, cut your ID in half and then order you immediately burned at the stake.
Stalin is a different story. Let’s say you are 21, but you try and sneak underage people (with disabled collars of course) into the Mods hiding in sacks of rice. Stalin will run his saber through every sack, thus maiming your youthful friends.
He will then send you, without delay, to one of the many gulags in the recently constructed gulag archipelago in the reservoir. Either way it’s trouble.
It would not surprise me at all if BC adopts the strategies I have suggested.
I have three words for you BC, “Stop the Madness!”
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