I started seeing a girl last year, and it's been a number of months now. Things are going great, but I've been talking with my old girlfriend from high school who wants to come visit me in Boston. She is a great friend and I want to see her, plus she has a new boyfriend, so there's probably no lingering feelings. But I don't know how my girlfriend will feel about us seeing each other. What do I do? - So Konfused
Lisa says: Should I answer this as a girlfriend or as an objective bestower of advice? If I believe that there are no longer sparks flying between you two, and that your frequent AIM conversations have established a strong yet platonic friendship, I think it's a great idea to invite a friend to visit you. You two still (you are assuming) have fun together, and you want to show off your new home. She has a boyfriend, you've moved on to a girlfriend that you are quite happy with, and this brief weekend will be a chance for friends to catch up. Props for managing the elusive after-breakup friendship. But, you say "probably." Most likely there are no feelings, presumably you're over each other, almost certainly this is just a friendly get-together. I can assure you, your present girlfriend does not see it this way. She'll seethe with anger as she shakes the old girlfriend's hand; she'll rant and pace around her room while the two of you are dining in Quincy Market; and she'll cry herself to sleep wondering if your "friend" has found her way from the couch to your bed. When you ask your girlfriend if the plans are cool, she'll tell you to go for it, not wanting to earn the stigma of the "no-fun, control-freak girlfriend." But she will be lying. Girls do that. Ultimately, the choice is yours. You have every right to spend a weekend with a friend, especially if you make it a point to show your girlfriend that you're still thinking about her all day. Lose-lose, win-win … pick a viewpoint and commit to having a fulfilling weekend.
Ryan says: Well, if your girlfriend is outspoken, she is going to go nuts. You can expect incoherent screaming about jealousy and loyalty. If she is more reserved, she is going to try a passive-aggressive approach. In this case, she will be unresponsive until you prod your way to the root of the problem like a private investigator. Whatever way she goes about displaying her disgust is insignificant, because the point is that she will not be pleased. That's the bad news. I would like to give the good news, but there is none. The worse news is that you still have to see your ex. After all, she is making an effort to see you and you guys are such good friends. By the way, I am assuming that you are lying when you say you are "great friends" with your ex. If you are such good friends, why aren't you still dating? Anyway, back to placating your girlfriend. Let her know that you both have moved on with your lives. You have a new girlfriend and she has a new boyfriend. I would also introduce your ex to your new girlfriend. This should alleviate some of the tension, and at the very least they can be fake nice to each other. Also try to limit the amount of time you spend alone with your ex. You guys will obviously want to catch up, but understand that it will probably be at the expense of your girlfriend's temper. Overall, your new girlfriend will not be happy, but she'll get over it.
I've been single for about a year now, and in the past few months a girl I know has started to flirt with me. She's really bringing the heat; I'm talking Blue Jays-era Clemens here. There's just one problem: she's got a boyfriend. He's not a friend of mine, really, I just know him through circles of friends. But I don't know what to do about this girl; she seems like she's genuinely interested in me, and I'm sure interested in her. Do I confront her about it? Do I flirt back subtly and see what happens? Or what? -Her Other Man, Even With Real Effort, Can't Keep Eternally Ravishing
Ryan says: What you should do is all based on whether or not you like this girl. If you don't, get rid of her. She has a boyfriend and is probably not worth the trouble. But, I am guessing you do like her or you wouldn't have asked. As a result, you are going to have to confront her at some point, especially if she continues to "bring the heat." Now I don't know for sure, but I would imagine that this is a tough situation. Regardless of whether her boyfriend goes to Boston College or he is miles away, the fact of the matter is that she ultimately belongs to someone else. It also must be frustrating because she flirts with you and then you know she goes back to her boyfriend and tells him how much she cares about him. You may be thinking that she's sending mixed signals. It's because she is. You may also be feeling helpless because you have no control over the situation. It's because you don't. All you can do is let her know how you feel. It is then up to her to decide what she wants. If she wants to see how things will go with you, she has to dump her boyfriend. If she doesn't want to break it off with this guy, then you probably have to walk away. Maybe you can even find some middle ground and just be friends. It's probably not ideal, but I've learned that sometimes you have to give up what you want to do for what you have to do.
Lisa says: Nothing's wrong with a little flirting, as long as it's hands-off and friendly. If she cozies up to you and starts a convo, smile and converse. If she gives you eyes across the room, give them back. Don't get too attached; it's possible she's vying for your attention as a confidence-booster or to make her boyfriend jealous. Guys have occasionally been known to misread girls' signals, so don't assume she's genuinely interested. It's a dirty trick, but one pulled by every girl I know. Most of all, don't overstep boundaries and, confident in your people-reading abilities, step in as pseudo-boyfriend. No bodily contact, aside from Boston College football win high-fives, and absolutely no kissing, etc. You do not earn a girl's respect by helping her cheat. Show her that you are an upstanding guy who doesn't take advantage of girls in vulnerable (or conniving) states. If she tries to initiate more than flirty banter, let her know that there is nothing you would like more, but you'll wait until she's in a position to make a serious and ethical decision. I know, you're a college male … but situations like these call for a little maturity. Don't offend the boyfriend, don't manipulate the girlfriend, and go on flirting with as many people as you'd like. And some night when she's practically sitting on your lap you may work up the nerve to let her know that you are so confused you asked He and She what to do. Then you can see if she'll make good on her suggestive whispered comments. You don't want to start a relationship with a two-timer, though, so wait it out a little longer.
Lisa Cook is a senior staff columnist for The Heights. She welcomes comments at cooklb@bcheights.com.
Ryan Lopez is a staff columnist for The Heights. He welcomes comments at lopezr@bcheights.com.
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