"Last weekend, my boyfriend and I went out for our five-month anniversary. We saw a movie and went out to dinner, and then, at the end, I gave him a little gift. We give each other gifts all the time, so I was expecting one in return, but much to my surprise he had nothing for me. He was surprised that I was giving him a gift, so he apologized profusely. I told him it was all right, but I was a little annoyed. How can I express my disappointment without sounding whiny?" - I Need Some Appreciation- Nay, Ebullience.
Lisa says: Glad to see that you value spending time with your boyfriend so highly. After dinner, a movie, and a lovely evening together you really have the gall to complain about not receiving a gift? Giving should be done out of love, caring, selflessness, and a genuine desire to see another person smile - not with the expectation of a gift in return. Did you miss that childhood lesson?
There are ways to validate a relationship apart from exchanging material goods - such as enjoying dinner and a movie. Open a bottle of wine and sip it together while talking about how happy you make each other. Take a walk through Boston Common after a romantic dinner in the North End. Or just smile, wish each other a happy five months, kiss, and head off to class.
More important than marking a semi-arbitrary date with hype and fanfare is the way you interact the other 30 days of the month. Maybe he makes you dinner in his apartment every week, or he invites you over for study breaks and hot chocolate. He might watch The Hills and Grey's Anatomy with you or call you up every time he's hanging out with his friends to say he misses you. I would rank all that over an obligatory gift.
Your boy is to be commended for putting up with such a demanding girlfriend, but rein in your expectations or there may not be a six-month date to celebrate. Although your problem would then be solved, I bet you still wouldn't be satisfied.
Ryan says: You guys have been dating for five whole months? Wow. I almost need two hands to count all of the months you guys have been together. I hate to break it to you, but that isn't that long. Couples who have been together for years are reading this now and laughing (though they are also envious because they remember that this was when their relationship was actually fun). Before you start acting as if your boyfriend forgot this special date, understand that you haven't been dating long enough to have an anniversary.
Now, you're wondering how you can share your disappointment without whining. I am guessing that you are the kind of person who is incapable of expressing anything without whining. And, I know the advice I am going to give you is very counterintuitive for someone who is as snobby and spoiled as you are, but I would listen if you don't want to die alone.
Here's what you do: nothing. That's right. I wouldn't say anything to him because you are making this into a bigger deal than necessary. It's not like he didn't make an effort: He took you out to a nice dinner and a movie. He also acknowledged that he messed up (which he didn't, but whatever), and I'm sure that he will make an effort to be more considerate in the future. Complaining about this incident will only further his theory that you are a conceited brat and it's probably best that he doesn't know that quite yet.
I broke up with Christopher, my longtime boyfriend, a few months ago. It was pretty painful for both of us, but we said we'd still be friends. I didn't think he'd want to be friends like this, though - he still posts all over my Facebook wall, he still drops by to hang out, and he somehow seems to show up at most of the parties I attend on weekends. He still has more interest in me than I do in him, but I don't know how to get him out of my life - he'd just act offended that I don't want to have any friendly contact with him, when he clearly just wants to get back together. Do I just have to tell him I never want to see him again? -Christopher, Lingering Interminably, Needs Girlfriend Extremely Rapidly
Ryan says: Here's the thing about breaking up. It sucks. So, when you dump somebody, you try to be as nice as possible so that you don't hurt her feelings any more than you already have. Often, the people doing the dumping are too nice. They'll say things like "talk to you later," "call me sometime," or even "let's be friends." Most of the time when the people getting dumped hear this, they just write it off as empty pleasantries. Occasionally, some people will take these superficial expressions seriously. They think that you actually want to be friends or you actually want them to call you, but you don't.
You can continue to be nice, but that will only lead to more calls, more Facebook messages, and more run-ins around campus. If you want this all to stop, you are going to have to be brutally honest. Be cruel to be kind, as they say. Let him know that you need your space, not just now but forever. The more candid you are, the better results you're going to get. If this guy had real friends, they would never allow him to act like this. But since he doesn't, you have to be the one to crush his dreams. Don't feel bad; you're doing him a favor.
If that doesn't work I've heard hooking up with his best friend and restraining orders are good ways to make sure he doesn't bother you anymore. Good luck.
Lisa says: Something to that effect, perhaps in gentler words. He needs to realize that you need space - not that you won't still think of him every day, but you won't get that pierce-through-the-heart feeling when you see him in your favorite sweatshirt or walking to class with another girl. He also should know that, based on the tone of your letter, you have no interest right now in getting back together and are not going to be around for Friday night "I'm lonely" texts.
If he's this persistent months after the breakup, he's not going to acknowledge subtle hints. You need to tell him to back off, that you can't handle this level of friendship, and that you promise it's best for both of you. Throw in a "sorry" for good measure, but be strong if you are ready to cut off contact.
Closing the door behind him that final time probably won't be easy; there's something reassuring about his familiar Facebook posts and voice in your common room. His constant reminders of how much he misses you might make you feel like you have the upper hand in this breakup. Once you say your forceful goodbye you will become another unattached college student.
But - clichés are overused for a reason - separating yourself from this clinger is necessary to move on. It is college, so head to the Mods next weekend and you'll probably start to feel better already.
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