Horoscopes

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19): Show the world that you're coming out, it's gonna be a little ridiculous.

Aries (March 20 - April 19): Think about what it really means to be single. Are you single like a Wendy's cheeseburger? Or single like a George Washington dollar?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): For every time you feel stressed out, think to yourself, "It could be worse. I could be from New Jersey."

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Mail a single piece of salami to your grandmother.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Midgets will take over your dreams on Friday. They may look cute, but they bite and spread life-threatening diseases.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): Everyone needs to make an outrageous claim at least once in his/her lifetime. Claim you invented Vanilla Coke

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22):To add to your resume, stage a protest on campus, declaring the need to abolish the Carroll School of Management. Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): March comes in like a lion. You, too, can come in like a lion.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You will cry tomorrow after stepping on a spider. Repeat this to yourself: "I am not a killer. I just perform necessary evils."

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Want to make a mid-semester good impression? You need to boost your class participation. Start by answering rhetorical questions.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Get ready to be taken seriously this week. You might want to consider dressing for the part by wearing formal attire at least thrice a week.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18): You might think no one understands you lately. That's because they don't.