Horoscopes

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18): Cupcakes are far inferior to cake. Make sure you don't settle.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19): Your Napolean Dynamite impression needs work. Practice it in front of the mirror. Trust me, all the girls will love it.

Aries (March 20 - April 19): Mardi Gras this week could seriously damage you. Proceed with caution.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You will be suffering from post-Superbowl depression, but don't take any pills for it. They're addictive.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20):Bring back dating. Some worthy soul needs to do it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The 9-layer dip is the new 7-layer dip. Catch the trend.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): When you're feeling down and out, remember how much your precious pet flamingo loves you; that will make you feel better. Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): Never underestimate the love advice in the move 40 Days and 40 Nights. That one is just oozing with little gems.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): Pumpkins are never out of season. Neither is the color orange.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Don't play with charcoal unless a parent is supervising you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): You need to eat way more rice.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): The world is incredibly revealing under a black light. Let yourself see the truth.