Horoscopes

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 18): Pirates never get old. Practice your "arrrrrrr." We all remember how cute Johnny Depp was when he was a pirate.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19): Someone is planning to steal your Weird Al Yankovik wig. Protect it well. It will definately come in handy later.

Aries (March 20 - April 19): Jury duty will call on Thursday. Feign celebrity status. Really, do you think jury duty is worth your time?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20):People are watching you when you're dancing with your closet door. You're not alone in your fabulous little bubble anymore.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Invest in a day-by-day calendar that gives you morning hugs. What else do you need every day?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): You're secretly being stalked by a My Little Pony toy.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): Keep those Tic Tacs in the package or you will be caught in a drug bust in the future.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): Subway Jared needs a date. Go ahead, make the skinny man happy.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): Make a scary movie that people actually want to see. Release it on Valentine's Day to induce campus-wide cuddling.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): Next time you have an asthma attack, run really fast for extra air. (Warning: this might not work). Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Please don't ever use the phrase "It feels like yesterday ..." ever again.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 20): Throw a beach party when it hits 40 degrees sometime this week. Skimpy clothes for everyone.

Katie Thomas is a Heights senior staff columnist. Horoscopes appears every Monday in this space.