You know what gets me really peeved, pissed, and perturbed? No, it's not the letter P. I won't even make you guess; I'll show you. In an effort to start the semester off right, I'm going to write about everything wrong in the world. It's a new year and I think I've come up with a comprehensive list of 10 things that I hate, which we should all focus on fixing.
10. Visits from Chelsea Clinton that take place in Hillside. I can't get a seat there when I want to eat lunch, thus it was clearly the most logical venue for a presidential candidate's daughter to hold a Q&A. Next year the University will be hosting Boutros Boutros-Ghali, who will give a fascinating talk on world affairs and his years in the U.N. It will be held in the Gasson Hall janitor's closet.
9. The writer's strike. It's a very unfortunate situation for all of the hardworking writers in the guild … and it also means my favorite TV shows are on re-runs. Though I am a writer, when I informed my editor that I was striking she laughed and said no. Her reasons being that I wasn't "in the union," "paid in any way, shape, or form," or "particularly intelligent." Outrageous.
8. Calling the cable company for technical support. I call in because the cable that we pay an ungodly (literally satanic) amount of money for isn't working. They refuse to help me unless I can provide my roommate's mother's social security number. Surprisingly this information had slipped my mind. Is this some sort of problem? Are vigilantes running about the city trying to fix people's cable without their consent?
7. A certain "religious" group whose name I won't mention for fear that they might put a rattlesnake in my mailbox. Let's just call them sigh-entolo-jests … or lunatics. Either one. These guys are trying to take over the world, and not in that playful Pinky and the Brain way, but rather in that scary Hitler way.
6. People who insist on talking to you for the duration of long trips. My bus ride home from winter break had me sitting next to an Army veteran. His stories ranged from being shot in Yugoslavia to having groped Selena in class while they were attending the same middle school … and I'm inclined to believe him.
5. People who carry dogs around in handbags. These people seem to have come to this conclusion: "I keep my phone, wallet, and feminine products in my purse, why not Mr. Bow Wow too?" Sadly, I'm not even so much concerned for the dogs as I am for the implications for society. We now carry dogs in bags and infants in backpacks. Coming soon: The Nike Toddler-Duffel (made for kids).
4. My computer. By now, this "thing" I bought from the school is not a laptop … it's somewhere between a typewriter and a lawnmower. It works but it's clunky, noisy, and sometimes you have to kick it to get it started. At one point in my sophomore year, my hard drive failed, which is exactly what I proceeded to do on the paper I was writing at the time. Sweet.
3. Socks that lose their elastic. You know when you have a pair of socks that just keep falling down all day and then get bunched up in your heel? I'm also clearly running out of steam at this point in the column.
2. "Male enhancement e-mails." Every morning I wake up (as if that wasn't enough work) to find an inbox filled with offers for discount V1aGrA and CiA1iS, which I am tricked into reading by headlines like "just checking in"to tell me I can't please a woman. Now even my laptop is telling me I'm inadequate. Double sweet.
1. People who complain about petty things.
Go Giants.
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