Sometimes I feel like I am constantly surrounded by drugs; and not in that cool way our parents were in the '60s. In that "every time I turn on the TV I am convinced that I am depressed, have minor back pain, or need to take control of my menopausal symptoms" way. I miss the days when commercials were for things like slip-and-slides and Burger King; you know, useful stuff.
I think the real benefit of expensive HDTV systems is that you can actually read the fine print on the ads for drugs you're about to be convinced to take. Amid the brightly lit images of people dancing in the park and gazing happily into space (among other things, that make you wonder if everyone who appears happy in public just got their herpes under control) it's easy to forget that people are talking about serious medical issues.
Not that I'm advocating illegal drugs, but our prescribing habits seem more 80 percent than zero tolerance. They tell you not to take drugs because a sleazy drug dealer might slip something else in or otherwise spike your drug … with drugs. I respect and appreciate this, but at the same time I don't see much of a difference from pharmacies. A drug company can show a couple running down a white, sandy beach and display the side effects in conveniently chosen white making it impossible to determine what's actually in your "happy pills."
Even the most popularly prescribed drugs do way more than just the jingle tells you. Ritalin and Adderall are two of the most frequently prescribed drugs in the country, especially among children. They are meant to help students with ADD and ADHD focus better and be able to pay attention for extended periods of time; and oh yeah, they have some speed in them. It just seems counterproductive to have a fifth-grader take the DARE program and be told "drugs are bad. You should never, ever take speed. Unless your parents give it to you. Then it's just 20 milligrams of potential."
It seems that in order to get healthy you have to trade you illness for another one. You can cure your cold but get drowsy, get rid of your headache but become lightheaded, eliminate your rash but develop an itchy red spot. In light of this I present "Side Effects: What you would find in the fine print of a drug ad."
Do you experience minor joint pain that inhibits your ability to enjoy day-to-day activities? Well, don't sit out on life any longer; ask your doctor about Dofolomax!
That's right, Dofolomax is revolutionary. Side effects may include vomiting, itching, dry mouth, cotton mouth, word of mouth, drowsiness, rectal bleeding, cramps, temporary blindness, hair loss (top of head), hair growth (everywhere else), increased desire to see Apocalypto, and in rare cases post-traumatic stress syndrome.
May result in increased desire to run for president or kill the president (we're still running tests). May cause heroin dependency; this is because it has heroin in it. Don't operate heavy machinery, light machinery, simple tools or electronics. Taking Dofolomax within 10 feet of a microwave may cause your head to explode.
May cause increased Fjording in Swedes. Contains a powerful drug that may cause what we're calling "random limb loss"; it's not leprosy, but it's close. Dofolomax causes tunnel vision in Latinos.
A small portion of those tested experienced spontaneous knowledge of Farsi while others forgot their native language and swallowed their tongues in frustration. Dofolomax causes anti-Semitism. Dofolomax cures AIDS but causes cancer. Some webbing of the toes is normal. Dofolomax must be stored in a magnetic field to avoid radioactive decay. Dofolomax is not safe for children, the elderly, or most adults.
Tell you doctor if you are taking any other medications as Dofolomax will get jealous and destroy them in your sleep.
So if you think Dofolomax might be for you, call today!
My minor joint pain is gone. Thanks Dofolomax!
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