BC leaves Catholicism behind, makes move to Kabbalah

Boston College is throwing in the towel and will drop out of the battle to become the nation's premier Catholic institution of higher learning. The University will instead convert to the Kabbalah faith.

"Forget Georgetown. Forget Notre Dame," said University President Rev. William P. Leahy, S.J., at a press conference, surrounded by fellow converts Madonna and Britney Spears. "We gave the whole Jesuit thing a fair shot. Now we're harnessing the spiritual power of Kabbalah, and it's amazing."

Kabbalah, an aspect of Jewish mysticism, has surged in popularity in Hollywood. Demi Moore and beau Ashton Kutcher, as well as comedian Roseanne, now don the red strings that Kabbalists wear to ward off evil.

In addition to giving students, faculty, and administrators guidebooks on the Kabbalah Tradition, Leahy is also looking to find ways to integrate aspects of the faith in all areas of campus life.

For instance, well-known Kabbalah water, a tour must-have for pop star Madonna, will soon be available in the dining halls and vending machines.

Additionally, Res Life will soon be offering Kabbalah bath facilities for those who desire to bathe in holy water. Leahy advised students not to get any naughty ideas.

"These are holy bath houses. Any illicit behavior including, but not limited to, running on the deck and 'Kabbalah bombs,' will be reported directly to me," he said.

Sports Marketing is also keeping the faith. In preparation for the 2005-2006 football season, 20,000 of those sacred red strings have already been ordered from Kabbalahbling.com and will be available at the first home football game.

Neither football head coach Tom O'Brien nor Athletic Director Gene DeFilippo provided commentary on the impact of the Kabbalah explosion on campus, but there were reports of Britney's "Stronger" blasting from the Yawkey Athletic Center during an early morning lift Tuesday.

Leahy has also ordered that the Undergraduate Governemnt of BC (UGBC) suspend any plans for concerts for the upcoming year, since his newfound Kabbalist cronies Madonna and Britney have already agreed to rock the Heights.

The UGBC has also signed on to help ease the transition to Kabbalah. UGBC president-elect Luke Howe, CSOM '06, said that a number of promotional campaigns are in the works to foster tolerance of Kabbalah.

"We've printed up 5,000 'Kabbalah? Fine By Me' T-shirts," said Howe. "We're definitely excited about getting this fresh, new message out there."

Not everyone was pleased with the announcement of BC's spiritual shift.

"If I'd known that BC was going to go Kabbalah, I would have let that developer put up condos on the Chancery property," said Archbishop Rev. Sean O'Malley.

Even higher spiritual powers frowned on the move.

"This is a big, big mistake," Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ said in an e-mail. "Boston College thinks the basketball team losing in the second round is bad? They ain't seen nothing yet. I'll smite every one of their sports to the 10th generation. No one is safe, not even the equestrian team."