Celine Dion to bring the pain to BC

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the peaceful enclave of Chestnut Hill, Mass., the Undergraduate Government of Boston College has made a startling announcement: The fall concert will come to the Heights for the first time in three years.

"The UGBC has come through - and they've come through in a big way," said Alan Brady, A&S '07.

Dubbed both "drippy" and a "vocal Olympian" by the legions of mid-tempo adult-contemporary soft-rock fans across the globe, Celine Dion will take a hiatus from her lucrative concert series in Las Vegas to perform on BC's campus. In an even bigger coup for the UGBC, the Canadian diva will perform her "vocal workouts" in Alumni Stadium, not Conte Forum.

"Are you kidding me? She would bring down Conte. I mean, literally. She's such a wonderful talent," said fellow Canadian Brock Bradford, member of the BC hockey team and CSOM '09.

This may come as a surprise to those who were expecting a run-of-the-mill act following the Kanye West concert. Among the other acts rumored to be performing at BC were Marilyn Manson, Eminem, the Wu-Tang Clan, Jim Jones (of "baaaaaallllllin!" fame), and Clay Aiken - all, unfortunately, were deemed "not in line with Jesuit ideals," according to a University source who asked not to be named.

Dion, who hails from Quebec, has brought her wall-shaking vocals to smash hits such as "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," "Because You Loved Me," and everyone's favorite song to study to, "My Heart Will Go On." In March, the United World Chart ranked "My Heart Will Go On," the theme to the movie Titanic, as the 14th most successful song in music history.

In a review by Yahoo Music, writer Rob O'Connor once wrote: "Sinking ships are what I imagine as this tune plows onward of four-plus minutes... is it any wonder why I have such fears of going to the dentist?"

Though she has often been accused of singing "drippy, gooey pop fluffer-nutter," BC students beg to differ. Danny Goodwrench, A&S '08, said, "She's the artist of our era. She's the one singer that Mom and I can agree on - Celine is totally mother-approved."

"Mother-approved" seems to be the trend of the UGBC's rumored choices for future concerts - one anonymous source said that that The Wiggles, the award-winning creators of children's albums such as Yummy Yummy and Wiggly Wiggly Christmas, may come to campus next year.

However, due to their controversial hits "Bing Bang Bong" and "Blow Up Your Balloon (Huff and Puff)," they, too, were deemed "not in line with Jesuit ideals."