In an attempt to raise money to pay off hundreds of lawsuits, the Archdiocese of Boston has announced plans to sell St. Ignatius Church - to the famed sausage vendor, Che Chi.
The move was announced at a 2 a.m. press conference Saturday, right before Che Chi's closed up shop for the night.
"People have been complaining that there's no where to sit and eat their sausage," the vendor said. "This will take care of that problem, without sacrificing our prime location."
The building will be renamed Che Chi's Sausage Sanctuary. The décor, he said, will remain the same.
"This is Boston College," said Che Chi. "Why shouldn't you feel holy when you're wolfing down that kielbasa?"
He bought the property for $10 million, though The Depths has learned that the vendor is not able to pay the entire amount upfront.
"So I'm a gonna send the archdiocese half of my payment in hot dogs," said Che Chi. "Hope they don't mind that they're Kosher."
St. Ignatius parishioners, who learned of the deal at Mass the next day, were stunned.
"I can't believe this," said Whole E. Woman, 69, and a lifelong parishioner of the Chestnut Hill church. "How can the church do this? This is a loving parish, and they're selling it to a sausage vendor. I'm sure Boston College had something to do with this. I swear, that institution carries on the work of the devil - just swooping in on every piece of land in the neighborhood and reeking havoc among the residents."
Boston City Councilor Jerry McDermott agreed.
"Boston College should be ashamed," said McDermott, who held a sausage in one hand and a flaming torch in the other. "For a nationally renowned Catholic university to play a hand in letting a Catholic church close for their own gain is just unspeakable. BC is no friend to this community and for them to pretend otherwise is just such an offense."
The University has absolutely no role in the Che Chi sale, according to Jack Dunn, University spokesman.
"Boston College's position is that the archdiocese is entitled to make its own decisions regarding its own property, and we support them in their right to do so," he said. "Councilor McDermott's words are not only regrettable; they are in conflict with the truth."
The archdiocese had no comment, and would neither confirm nor deny the sale, despite the fact that Archbishop Rev. Sean O'Malley was at the press conference and accepted a grease-stained check for $5 million and a truck full of hot dogs.
BC students seemed overwhelmingly happy about the sale.
"Amen to that," said Wes Ted Smith, A&S '08. "You know, you eat your $4 sausage and peppers, and what ends up happening is that it falls out of the bun.
"Let's face it," he continued. "When you're drunk, you shouldn't be eating sausage and walking at the same time. God just didn't want it to be that way."
Indeed He didn't.
"I wasn't going to get involved in this deal at first," said the Son of Man. "But I thought this would be an appropriate time to make my second coming.
"Sausage is the new Eucharist," he continued. "And Pabst is the new wine."
That's right, Che Chi's also announced plans for a full scale bar in the former church. Luke Howe, Undergraduate Government of BC president-elect and CSOM '06, said he would help.
"We've been looking for a location to have a campus bar," said Howe, "and since we couldn't find one, what better place than this? Would you rather sit and drink in the dingy Rat, or in a nice comfortable pew at St. Ignatius Church? "
The new hours also pleased students.
"The Sanctuary of Sausage is going to be all sausage, all the time," said the vendor. "And it will only be a few dollars more to enjoy it. Say, like, $7 or something."
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