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The Modular Apartment Can Lady, famous for stalking Lower Campus garbage cans on weekends, has earned her first million. The Can Lady was visibly touched when she deposited the check in the Bank of America ATM adjacent to the Boston College T station.
"This is an amazing day for me," said the Can Lady. "I first started collecting cans as a hobby. It very quickly ballooned into a big business. Now, I'm a millionaire."
The Can Lady's story is one of determination and perseverance. Like the walk of shame and inevitable drunk dial backlash, the Can Lady is a fixture of the BC weekend.
"I once saw her carrying like, seven huge garbage bags filled with cans," said Aeneas Czerwienski, resident of Mod 42C and A&S '05. "I could barely see her under all those bags."
His brother Liam added, "I was so hung over, I could hardly lift the frying pan I was using to make breakfast, and this little old lady is out there dragging garbage around."
Some Mod residents were resentful of the Can Lady's success. "I've done the math," said Gus Chuggly, CSOM '05. "I've drank a million dollars worth of Milwaulkee's Best in my years here at Boston College. She's been capitalizing off of my good time. I think I deserve a cut."
Students are not the only ones trying to hop on the Can Lady gravy train. The BC Office of University Advancement has already crafted a letter soliciting the generosity of the Can Lady.
"Dear Can Lady," the letter reads. "We here at Boston College couldn't be happier to hear about your newfound fortune. We sincerely hope that you would consider giving back to the community that has been so supportive of your can collecting efforts."
The Can Lady crumbled the letter as soon as she received it.
"I wouldn't give them the deposit from a can of Genny Light," she said, scowling. "Supportive? Ha! Those BCPD officers have been a pain in my ass ever since I was knee-high to a wastebasket."
The Can Lady's complaints were verified by Sergeant Francis Slaughter of the BCPD. Slaughter is the head of the 10-man Can Lady Counterstrike Force.
"We've been in hot pursuit of the Can Lady for a number of years now," said Slaughter. "We've employed all of the resources at the disposal of the Boston College Police Department: the BCPD canine unit, the BCPD helicopter, even the BCPD submarine. She's been able to elude our best efforts to apprehend her. It's very frustrating for us"
The Can Lady said that she has big plans for her money.
"I want to make it grow," she said. "I'll put some of it into the blue chips, of course, but I'm also looking at some riskier ventures.
"In terms of capital improvements to my operation, I'm investigating acquiring a pointy-ended can poker, so I don't have to bend over to reach cans on the ground.," she continued. "I figure I can increase my productivity up to 300 percent."
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