In an emergency State of the Union address yesterday, President Bush presented his new billion-dollar personal clone to the country. "This day, we have defeated terrorism." Patting his clone on the shoulder, Bush continued, "this new weapon will ensure my plans for the destruction of the terrorists." Controversy arose among Republicans due to Bush's stark opposition to stem cell research.Bush dismissed claims of hypocrisy by saying, "By making a clone of myself, I am doubling my support of our troops in Iraq. Anyone who is criticizing my choice of creating a clone is criticizing the war and helping the terrorists win. These critics are clearly Democrat flip-floppers." Bush also mentioned his clone's intentions to run for presidency in 2008. When asked about a running mate, Clone Bush said he and the current President Bush will run together. "Bushes for president in 2008!" they exclaimed in creepy unison.
ON CAMPUS Student decides to drink the weekend away Last week, Brendan McHoward, A&S '09, decided that he's going to drink this weekend. After a lengthy deliberation process, taking into account his typical weekend activities and his recent academic turmoil, Brendan came to the conclusion that alcohol was the perfect solution to his problems. "Sometimes," he said, "you just gotta go against the grain and do something spontaneous and unexpected … after all, this is college and college is about individuality," he said of the choice. In making his decision, Brendan knew that he would have to deal with some harsh criticism. His will is unwavering, however, and he fully intends to make alcohol consumption a growing social trend at universities everywhere.
Newton bomb squad storms Gasson Hall on eve of finals Members of the Boston College Police Department responded to a report of "LOUD NOISES" in Gasson Hall Saturday night. Though a source could not immediately be located, the investigating detectives determined that the noise was emanating from the Jenks Honors Library with the assistance of a clairvoyant. Upon entering the library, backed up by the Newton Police Department's bomb squad, an inebriated student was found reading Thucydides' History of the Peloponnesian War aloud at an elevated volume in the original Greek. Dandelions and a bottle of whiskey were confiscated and the student was transported to a medical center for treatment and a mental health evaluation. The student claims his innocence, arguing that he was simply studying for his final.
UNIVERSITIES Harvard to use obscene endowment to pay tuitions In an unanticipated turn of events, Harvard University yesterday announced that it will use its endowment to pay the tuition fees for every student in the nation. The announcement stirred controversy within the university, as some school officials are worried that the endowment would not be able to support such a program. Said one official, the cost of such an action would put a damper on their endowment, decreasing their prized fund from approximately $30 billion to about $24 billion. "Whats next?" asked one official. "Are we actually going to start spending our money on useful things?"
NATIONAL Lebanon sues American colleges over 'Beirut' The Lebanese Republic filed a lawsuit today against all major universities in the United States alleging a gross misrepresentation of their capital, Beirut. In a statement, Farid Abboud, Lebanese ambassador to the United States said, "College students have been essential in building the perception of our capital as no more than 10 cups stacked in a pyramid." In a recent survey, 96 percent of students identified by Beirut as the drinking game, while fewer than 1 percent identified it as the Lebanese capital and city of over 5 millennia, placing it behind "Indie band" and "plant." When asked what Beirut meant to him, Dan Eardley, a Theta Chi brother at Indiana State University, responded, "Isn't it the drinking game where you shoot balls at cups?"
UNDER REPORTED Faithful, but can't make a pilgrimage? Get 'rent-a-pilgrim' For those Roman Catholics who have vowed to make the pilgrimage to Fatima in Portugal, the shrine famous for instilling Virgin Mary to peasant children in 1917. Millions make the journey each year. Pilgrim Gil can be hired through his Web site, peregrine.org. He gladly accepts credit cards. When asked why he decided to provide this service, Gil responded that it was a great opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. "I get all the benefits of tanning on the great beaches of Portugal while still turning a profit. What's not to like?"
is a member of the 
Be the first to comment on this article!