COLUMN: MTV.com: The Worst Of Modern Media
Published: Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Updated: Wednesday, September 25, 2013 21:09
Each week when column-time comes around, I rub my little paws together, open my laptop, and make the same goddamn mistake every time: I go to Google, type in “music news,” and wind up on the first website linked—MTV.com. Now you might be thinking, “Matt, you idiot, why would you ever take your music news from MTV? It should be clear to you what their business model is from their full name: Mreality Television.” My answer to that is, of course, I don’t. I’m enticed by the promise of “Music News/Latest/Most Popular,” I click the link, I am disappointed, and I go somewhere else.
The problem is, I do this every week.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just keep forgetting. Every time I use Google I revert to autopilot: “Music news, music news, oh hey that’s exactly what I’m looking for NOOOOOOO! Curse you, MTV.com!”
This week, however, I’m making lemonade from the lemons of my own incompetence. No, I didn’t remember. Yes, I clicked the link. But this time, that wretched website will be relevant to my column, because the subject this week is just how bad of a source MTV.com is, and why other music media should strive tooth and nail never to be like it.
First thing you need to know about MTV.com is that, to satisfy some nefarious legal quota, 30 percent of its articles have to be about Miley Cyrus. “Miley Cyrus: 7 Things We Learned from Her Revealing RS Interview.” “Miley Cyrus Says ‘The Wanted’ Are ‘The Dirtiest Twerkers’ Ever.” “Miley Cyrus Dances With a Dwarf, Cries on Stage.”
Yes, that’s real. I’m not going to click on it. Just let me have my dream.
Next, you’ll have to slog past about 12 articles on Drake’s recent shenanigans. Drake is always responding to other rappers’ critiques of him. He would rap his responses rather than deliver them in interviews, but, you see, he isn’t talented.
Then you’ll strike this gold nugget: “Kanye West Adds 5 New Ye-Isms to his Resume.” Ah yes, the ever-expanding list of inanities Yeezy says to the press. Now this is music news!
Apparently, in a recent interview with Zane Lowe, Kanye declared himself the “No. 1 Rock Star on the planet.” This is coming off the heels of a string of dubious self-identifications, including “I am a God,” “I am Walt Disney,” “I am Steve Jobs,” and “I am Picasso.” At this point, it might be more efficient to just draft a list of things Kanye West is not. Kanye West is not a sandwich. He is not Chester Cheeto. He is not a bottle of shampoo. He is not Billy Crystal—not yet. He is not the low, low prices of Bob’s Discount Furniture outlet. He is not a flightless bird.
That about covers it.
Now here’s a headline to capture the imagination: “How Did Big Time Rush Get Their Hands on Alexa Vega’s Wedding Ring?” Oho! Some intrigue! So how did they do it, the clever rogues? I imagine a Mission: Impossible scenario, Logan Henderson scaling a building with suction cups, being lowered through a vent over a sleeping security guard, then knocking him unconscious with the butt of a silencer-revolver. But what’s this? It’s Alexa Vega of Spy Kids fame dressed in a meccha-suit, charging down the hall! She blasts a hole in the wall behind Logan’s head with an RPG: ka-blam! Can Kendall, Carlos, and Jim handle the security ninjas in time to save their friend and finish the job? Will they have to choose between rescuing their friend and retrieving the compromised CIA files stored in—
….Wait, what’s that?
Guys, it turns out that Carlos Pena of Big Time Rush is actually marrying Alexa Vega. So he had the ring because, you know ... he bought it. He showed it to his idiot buddies, and Logan decided to put it on.
Wow, MTV.com. Cool freaking story, bro. Tell it again.
So basically, MTV.com is the pits. I almost wish that I could say that sensationalism is ruining music journalism, but there is literally nothing sensational about any of these stories. Don’t get me wrong, I realize that music news has always been partly insipid articles about “Donny Osmond’s 5 Favorite Cereals” and all that. Still, I honestly believe it’s reached a new low. First Rolling Stone prints the Boston Bomber on their magazine cover, now this? Something in music media has got to give.
And I have GOT to stop clicking that link.