COLUMN: Barstool Versus Uncommon Man
Published: Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Updated: Wednesday, September 25, 2013 21:09
In Monday’s issue of The Heights, opinions columnist Evan Goldstein published a column titled “#BeAnExample,” a piece on the microagressions of misogyny, at Boston College and at large, framed namely through football coach Addazio’s “#beadude” recruiting slogan. The article was reposted by men’s blog Barstool, under the headline “BC Bro Says Football Teamss ‘Be A Dude’ Slogan Is Sexist.” Barstool’s comment feed quickly populated with an onslaught of homophobic, anti-Semitic, violent, and otherwise unsavory remarks, written by what is purportedly an unabashedly “manly” group of men, posted almost exclusively under aliases. The site’s content is branded by the slogan “By the common man, for the common man.”
And common men you are! In honor of these hardworking “common men”—preserving the mysterious order of masculinity behind the auspices of their computer screens, leveling the degenerative faction of derelicts who’ve nothing better to do than form public opinions and care about things—I would like to personally call out all the uncommon men of history, music, and film, who weren’t fortunate enough to have Barstool around to let them know their manhood simply wasn’t screwed on straight.
“Greek Bro Too Blind To Notice No One Likes Poetry”
Hey newsflash Homer: you’re blind. And you sing poetry—it’s called Darwinism. So what, you founded the Western canon of literature? Big deal. Oh, and maybe you laid down the foundation for Greek culture as we know it, but are you even in a frat? Try singing about that, gypsy.
“Renaissance Man Cares About Too Much”
Leonardo da Vinci? More like Leonardo da ... male humanist—nothing worse than a male humanist. I hear you like math and painting and elevating the human condition through the vast scope of your talents. Dude, Mona Lisa isn’t even cute. I suppose you did draw the “Vitruvian Man,” and that’s kind of cool, because real men do draw dicks on everything—but still, you’re a threat to the medieval man everywhere. Fewer artists. Fewer architects. Fewer anatomists. Fewer mathematicians. Fewer scientists. Definitely fewer humanists. More dudes.
“55 Men Chill Out Four Straight Months In Philadelphia”
Founding Fathers? More like founding bros! In the Penn State House, shacked up with the homies for days (on a serious note, sorry about your football program). But seriously, chill out about the Articles of Confederation—what, do you care or something? Your writing and political works are just a little too grounded in the rich classical tradition, drawing from the ancients as well as relevant examples from the post-medieval era. I do appreciate how you published the Federalist Papers anonymously though. Hamilton, that’s a sissy. Publius, now that’s a dude.
“Illinois Artist Moves To Hollywood To Draws Princesses”
Snow White and The Seven Dwarves—how about, Snow White and The Seven Male Feminists? Walt Disney, that kid must’ve been the toast of his art class, huh? Just waxing artistic on a career grounded in his imagination—how about some real-world application? Nothing screams manhood like singing princess and animal movies. Definitely should’ve started a blog, bro.
“British Boy Band Thinks All It Needs Is Love”
Hey dudes, don’t make me gag. You have found chicks, now go and stop making music. Problem solved. Good luck with those matching bowl cuts—it’s called Darwinism.
The list goes on. Whether it’s that American folk singer who couldn’t stop his stone from rolling or the Harvard nerd who dropped out of school to show off his “Microsoft,” there are so many uncommon men who might have been brought to their good senses, had they only the voice of the common man to keep them in check. It’s a vigorous, manly job, the honest profession of our anonymous protectors to dismiss mankind of his insecurity, reaffirming humanity’s time-honored tradition of hating ideas and thoughtful people.
So boo you, uncommon men of the world. You and Homer can go sing a poem together or something, and paint something with Da Vinci while you’re at it. Leave the common man alone, to live and die unquestioned and unquestioning, as unmoving in his language as he is unmovable by yours.