Campus Chronicles: Learning to fall in love

A quote often recited throughout the Boston College campus is, "Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything." These words, said by Archbishop Oscar Romero, are almost a motto for a number of BC students. But recently, I have started to wonder if BC students know how to fall in love amidst the rampant hook-up culture.

Love seemed to be the buzzword on campus this week. The Institute for Humane Studies sponsored multiple "Love in Action" events and I have noticed more couples walking around campus holding hands (gasp). There was also a Table Talk given by Professor Tom Kaplan-Maxfield (or TKM as he is affectionately known) about love as a field for academic study. He told us he is trying to develop a "minor in love."

He explained how, even in ancient times, love was considered a topic for discussion and debate. He brought in an excerpt from Plato in which Socrates describes love as yearning for something one doesn't already have. Love can be dangerous, prompting people to kill and commit suicide. But it is usually considered beautiful and desirable. Love makes people act young, and yet it's the oldest story in the book.

He talked about running between classes in high school to where he knew his girlfriend (now wife) would be, and then standing nonchalantly against the wall as if he just happened to be there. He talked about how even though parts of her are predictable, like her chess strategy, she's still perplexing. He said the key to love is to "spread out," that way you can continue surprising each other. He also encouraged us to develop a "healthy masochism." He asserted that love means taking risks often and sometimes failing, so you have to be ready for that pain.

So after a riveting discussion, someone naturally brought up the subject of the hook-up culture. Kaplan-Maxfield had brought up the term BOMO, which apparently stands for "blackout make out." The table laughed and sheepishly admitted to being experienced in that respect. He thanked us for our honesty, and then took an approach to the hook-up culture that differed from that of Kerry Cronin. He asserted that there are marriages that are worse than a one night fling. Who's to say one is better than another as long as you're getting what you need out of it? This begs the question, what do we need from a random hook up?

This may be getting too personal, but I am as guilty of the random hook up (or BOMO) as the next person. I've made out with guys whose last names I didn't know, and others that didn't even know my first name (true story). It isn't because I love the idea, but it's fun and easy and bears no responsibilities or consequences.

When things are purely physical they don't get complicated, and the quick hook up fits right in in this age of Pop tarts and DVR. As TKM pointed out, love is all about desire. Hook ups are anything but. They are as much about instant gratification as texting or online shopping.

We were also raised to be non-confrontational via texting or e-mailing fights and leaving passive-aggressive notes for our roommates. So when it comes to love, we aren't willing to take that risk to put ourselves out there. We just aren't masochistic enough, or as Kaplan-Maxfield said, we might be averse to blood. Instead of fighting face to face, we blow up each other's inboxes to avoid accountability. And with regard to relationships, we risk nothing by not taking love, or any emotion for that matter, into account.

On the last retreat I attended, during one of those "getting to know each other" games, we were asked if we had ever really been in love. We went around the circle of about 10 of us, and only one said that he had. But I bet if you asked that same group if they had ever experienced a BOMO or hooked up with someone whose name they didn't know, the percentage would be much higher.

I am on the verge of graduation and I am about as inexperienced in love as I was freshman year. I have started to worry about how you meet potential love interests after college because when they were my age, my parents had been dating for months and my grandparents were married and expecting their first child. It seems that each generation has a more extreme Peter Pan complex than the last: We hope to stay young and irresponsible forever. And true, BC does have dating couples (those holding hands around campus as I jealously watch), but the students everyone talks about are the ones making out in the middle of Mod parties. So to avoid maintaining my inclusion in the second category, and maybe appease my Catholic guilt a little, I am going to add another box to my already bulging bucket list: learn to fall in love.