How-To: Befriend your food

Who’s sick of food they can’t pronounce? Who’s sick of skipping breakfast and having that awful tofu burger at dinner? Who just wants to enjoy food because it tastes good? The answer is you. Deep down we all love to eat, so you might as well embrace it before you start looking for jobs at Whole Foods instead of McDonalds. We have the West and East coast diets, we’ve got Atkins and Gluten-free diets, but we need a diet for those people who want to pack on the pounds.

There is no shame in wanting to buff up. (When I say buff up I mean eat more chicken tenders, not adding muscle weight. Adding muscle weight is for those who work hard, I don’t and you shouldn’t.)

The number one tenant to my diet is that if you want to eat something, EAT IT. If you’re hungry, GO GET FOOD. This is not a difficult concept to grasp. If there is no food around, the vending machine is open 24/7 and they do accept Eagle Bucks. So yeah, don’t tell me that you couldn’t find food.

The basic principle is easy—just eat food, and a lot of it. Within the motto of the diet there are a few rules that will help you add the pounds at an astounding rate. So here are some how to’s that will speed up the process and make Easter a time for family members’ totally inappropriate remarks about you and your new teddy bear-esque mid-section.

How To: Navigate the selections at each meal.

Find the shortest line. Those are by far the best foods. (I need to clarify quickly how I define "best" in the context of food. Best foods—the greasiest, meatiest, calorie-loving foods in the entire cafeteria.) The type of food that makes you pumped to eat your meal. The type of meal that makes your friends talk about how they need to eat healthy for all the dumb, idiotic reasons they torture themselves with. Not you, not me—remember we eat what we want, when we want, and how we want.

How To: Eat the food itself.

Use your hands. No silverware. God gave us hands to devour food and that is what we will do. Don’t you always notice the kid at the restaurant who is using his hands is always a bit "big," if you know what I mean? (Pasta is absolutely included, but it might take some getting used to.) So grab that food and eat the living hell out of it.

How To: Avoid the Plex.

Where are the kids who die laughing when a buddy says, "when are you heading down to the Plex?" To really get into this diet you need to hate the Plex. (Yes, I know everyone hates the Plex, so this should be easy.) You need to think of the Plex as a place where time goes to die. Where good men end up doing hot yoga and girls spend hours trying to figure out the bench-press.

If you insist on staying active because you are a weirdo and are not fully committed to the diet, then you can diversify your eating experience. Go to El Pelon for a 4:30 snack before your 7 p.m. dinner. Get Chipotle instead of late night. Those places involve some activity, but NEVER let those places get in the way of the important steak and cheese from Mac.

How To: Stack up on snacks.

A big part of this diet is the need to eat a ton of snacks. I am not talking about Fiber One bars or bananas—I am talking about real snacks. Right after lunch grab a PB&J (They have marshmallow spread on them!) for a 3 p.m. snack. You must always have a plan for food. Got back- to-back classes? Buy four chocolate croissants for breakfast. A two-hour meeting? Bring two tins of Pringles. A great snacker is ready for all situations, whether it’s two feet of snow or a class runs five minutes late, we’ve got food, lots of food.

How To: Share your food.

We do not ever share food under any circumstances. Say it with me: "We do not ever share food." If a friend ever utters the phrase, "yo, could I get some fries?" You have to walk away. Go sit alone—just get away from that awful influence so you can enjoy your meal fully. One more time: "We do not ever share food."

I hope you listened to absolutely nothing I have said in this column because what do I know? I’m the idiot who skipped Late Night last Wednesday.