Humor Column

Call it the result of a patriarchal society, but I feel as if people always talk about the annoying things girls do or say. We all know girls can be “too clingy,” “too psycho,”  or “too much.” We all know girls can do weird things such as, “go to the bathroom together,” and “cry too much,” or “say the word ‘like’ too often.” Moral of the story is, we get it: girls are soooooo annoying. Unfortunately, those things don’t seem to be changing anytime soon, so there needs to be some new material. It’s all been said before.

The things that keep us “psycho, crying, bathroom clan girls” from not completely losing it is laughing together about the incredibly small, but even more incredibly annoying things that the guys around us do or say. Sorry guys, but we do. I am using this extremely narrow column space in the Features section of the Independent Student newspaper of Boston College to finally shed light on this issue. I’m not just talking about the cliche things that guys are known for, the things that make girls shake their heads and say, “ugh, well I guess boys will be boys!” This isn’t highlighting the expected, overly emphasized bad texting capacities, messy room, or the stereotypical “all guys want is sex, not commitment” outlook. The amalgamation of what makes a person so irritating is sometimes made of such miniscule things that you can’t remember them all, or you think you’re crazy for noticing them. I’m telling you, you’re not.

When people think of deal breakers, they think of what I like to call normal, human deal breakers. An example of this would be “has ever murdered another human being,” or “is a white supremacist/Neo-Nazi.” These go without saying. But what small, specific things about a hypothetical male would just drive you up the wall? As strange as it might sound, this activity is pretty interesting. It’s brought my friends and I innumerable laughs and the occasional random text reading, “Deal breaker: …” from my friend (my partner in crime making this list), is always a certain way to brighten my day. This list is something that has been a part of who I am for some time now (aka, it’s existed since about May of last year). 

People say it’s the little things in life that matter. My fellow women, I give you, an excerpt of the Deal Breaker list.

6. Supported Palin at any time
42. Hates traveling
91. Uses the word “rage” unironically
102. Has ever said the joke “girls don’t poop” and thinks it’s funny
137. Could lift him
152. Really likes the song “Party Rock Anthem” (aka really likes LMFAO)
156. Has a catchphrase
158. Has ever made grand, false claims about fine art
163. Doesn’t know how to speak to adults
173. Has a bed skirt
175. Couldn’t lift you if there was a fire and you were knocked unconscious
177. Is generally confused by sports
192. Uses the word “chillen”

201. Gets grossed out easily
227. Wears a pink polo because he says it “shows he’s comfortable with his sexuality”

233. Would be afraid on a ski lift
245. Can’t blow up balloons
271. Scared of dogs
293. Is really into Middle Earth
307. Uses a hot water bottle
370. Not comfortable behind the wheel of a car
380. Is bad at “That’s What She Said” jokes
415. Is really good at gift wrapping
419. Frequently stereotypes you as “such a girl”

440. Can’t be given laughing gas at the dentist because he’s some sort of addict
458. Says “Git ‘er’ done”

458. Uses the word “meh”

461. Thinks “You know you’re a redneck when ….” is funny
501. Wears camo, unironically

Of course, we don’t know anyone who in any way resembles this hypothetical male we have invented, who speaks Elvish, has a terrible sense of humor, and no upper body strength. That’s exactly why it’s so hilarious.

Editor’s note: the magic of the list only works properly when women write about men, not vice versa.