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Humor: Tips For The Biggest Game Of The Season

Published: Sunday, November 4, 2012

Updated: Wednesday, January 9, 2013 19:01

We Boston College students have been lucky. Two of the biggest weekends for us—the partying, beer-guzzling student populace—are back to back: Halloweek(end) and Notre Dame weekend.


While my last column in this little space of the Features section focused on capitalizing on the demands of the upcoming holiday and using Halloween to dress to go all-out dressing as your inner spirit animal or your favorite goofy cartoon character, I’m asking something different for Notre Dame weekend, arguably a much bigger deal than Halloweek.


No, I’m not saying dress as the people we love to hate: Notre Dame fans. And no, I’m not saying to truly “capitalize” on this football-filled weekend and “utilize it to its fullest” by sucking up all the beer you can get your hands on and letting out a few hearty screams at some Fighting Irishmen.


I’m calling for a coup. Let’s really give Notre Dame the shock of their lives. Not by winning the game, not by being sober. But by … being nice to them when they come. I know some of you are going to call me crazy. But I’ve always been a lover, not a fighter, and to be honest, football confuses me. I’m not one for rivalries, especially ones that don’t involve me personally. What has Notre Dame ever done to me? Why should I scream at them when they visit the Heights?


Let’s leave our legacy by putting an end to this senseless war. Holy people such as ourselves should always take the high road. What would Christ himself think of this little football battle? After the tailgates in the Mods and the confusingly tasty hotdogs at Alumni distracted him and he came back to his holy senses, he would look down upon our institution and everyone who threw bottles at the Notre Dame visitors as they paraded through the Mod lot.


I feel that I am in the position to work on conditioning the BC community in terms of Notre Dame niceties because, frankly, I don’t care and don’t understand the point of the rivalry, so I have no reason not to be nice. I’ve outlined a few guidelines for this new technique I’d like to institute. They are as follows.


How to be nice to a Notre Dame fan:


1. When you see a tailgating Notre Dame fan looking for the bathroom, point them to the nearest one. I know you’ll be tempted to tell them to go pee anywhere they can find a bush, but overcome that urge. Point them in the direction of McElroy and simply explain to them that it’s the nearest one.


2. Ask them about the long, four-year period they’ve spent in South Bend, Ind. Ask them about gourmet deals they’ve gotten during the South Bend Restaurant Week, the South Bend Ballet or theatre performances or arena concerts they’ve seen, and the delicious Italian food that is just a train ride away in … what part of Indiana was that again?


3. Warn the naive Notre Dame fans who are worried about their belongings that it’s totally fine—you can bring big bags into Alumni Stadium. The guards are really easy-going on stuff like that.


4. Also, don’t have a student ticket but want to be in the Superfan section? That’s fine! Don’t worry! We don’t have a student section—you’ll get in just fine!


Follow these four easy steps. I know this will be hard for everyone, but I think with a little practice, it will at some point be possible. Let’s try practicing before the large flocks of Irishmen get here. We’ll all feel like better people for it.


Editor’s Note: Let’s kick some Irish ass.

 

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