One of my best friends from home and I enrolled at Boston College together this year. Since we've been here, we haven't been as close. She's more of a partier - well, a lush - and I don't really like to drink. Although it was never a problem in high school, we didn't end up making the same friends here and I'm starting to think our friendship won't last or that our friendship at home will suffer. What do I do to ensure this won't happen?
-The Best Intimacy Should Last, And Mine's Emaciated
Lisa says:
Most high school friends go off to college and cultivate their own personal groups of friends; they no longer need to do everything together. But that doesn't mean they don't yearn for back-home play dates over Thanksgiving break, or never want to call their oldest and best friends to catch up.
Often, pairs of friends go off to separate schools. They IM, post ubiquitous "I miss you's on Facebook walls, and talk excitedly of a winter break reunion. The difference here is that when you chose the same school, you assumed your friendship would continue untouched. Since you are best friends, you expected to develop circles of overlapping - or the exact same - BC buddies, and when that didn't happen you got a little jealous. She lives on Upper while you reside on Newton; obviously, you have chances to become close with your own sets of neighbors. She's a biology major while you chose English; different classes equal different study partners equal different acquaintances.
Perhaps most noticeably, she enjoys the pleasures of alcohol while you warily consider the consequences. People change, try new things, and make new friends. That doesn't negate the friendship you share back home, but you need to allow each other space to develop and pursue individual, um, interests while at college. Meet her for lunch every now and then and laugh about it.
College is a time to reevaluate friendships as you find out more about who you strive to become, but don't think that change is necessarily a bad thing. You can always go back to friendly, substance-free movie nights back home and all will be well.
Ryan says:
Well, isn't that cute? You are worried that your best friend from high school is cheating on you with her new friends. Well, you got to get over it because this isn't that big of a deal.
At this time in the miserable life you appear to be leading, there is nothing wrong with making new friends. Some freshmen come to BC and hesitate to step outside the comforts they were used to during high school. However, college is the perfect time to try new things. Freedom is a beautiful thing. Some people decide not to indulge in narcotics while others check their morals at the door.
What your friend is doing is much more mundane. She is simply trying to expand her social horizons. And you, like the selfish conceited brat that you are, are only concerned with yourself. You need to grow up and realize that you two aren't going to be with each other for every waking moment.
So perhaps you should should try making some new friends (horror of horrors) and simply leave this one in the past. Apparently at least once in the past you suceeded in this task, so just let this old friend go and maybe spend your time meeting other people at BC instead of fretting about it to a college advice columnist.
This is good for you both. Instead of
worrying about losing your friend you should be happy that your friend hasn't already realized that you are incredibly obnoxious.
"Our friend has been dating this girl for three months now and my roommates and I never see him anymore. We miss him. They're always at her dorm watching TV or doing homework. She never wants to come to our place because she says we're slobs. When he's with her, he's not the same 'let's kick back a few brews' guy that we fell for and asked to room with us. Should I say something to him?"
- So What If I Have a Man Crush and Miss My Roommate
Ryan says:
First of all, stop acting like you are the one dating your roommate. I get that you miss him and all, but you don't get all sentimental because he doesn't spend the time with you that you think he should. If you're really concerned, maybe you should set up a time where you two hang out, just the two of you, no girls allowed. That would be cute, wouldn't it?
But I have to admit that I do hate people who become invisible to their friends when they start dating someone. I understand that a new couple wants to spend a lot of time with each other, but this sounds somewhat obsessive. What your buddy needs to do is learn to moderate the time he spends with his new girlfriend and realize his friends were there for him before Tammy Today and will be there long after Taylor Tomorrow. Good friends are for good.
If you want your buddy to change, you just have to be honest with him. Sit him down and tell him, very politely, that he is a disgrace to both himself and men everywhere, and that if he wants to keep this up you hear they have good bargains on dresses at Macy's. Then ask him why he feels the need to be so constantly whipped. He probably has an idea, but if you force him to verbalize it, your friend may see for himself that the way he is carrying on is ridiculous and realize he needs to change.
If he decides that he doesn't want to change, don't include him in the housing lottery for next year. However, I am guessing that once you open his eyes to how he is acting, he will change.
Lisa says:
That's sweet; you miss your roommate. You remember the days of NCAA XBox tournaments and shotgunning contests. You fondly recall mornings of omelets shared at a long table in Corcoran Commons and evenings of roaming the Mods together. While he sounds like a very attentive (whipped?) boyfriend, I understand that you feel a bit miffed.
Realize that he's still in the honeymoon phase of his relationship, and whether he loves date nights or is just trying to impress his girlfriend with devotion, he's allowed to spend as much time with her as he chooses. Maybe the endless handholding and cuddling will get old in the next couple of weeks. If she is too appalled by the slobbery of college males to move the dates to your place, your roommate may get tired of her slightly superior attitude and return to the nest sooner rather than later. Or she might be really hot and that control streak may not matter all that much right now.
Invite your friend for a guy-specific Friday evening (i.e., beer and sports) or tell him that your suite doesn't function well as an odd number. Tell him you miss him, in whatever manly words you choose. Mention that his beautiful, sweet girlfriend also needs time with just her friends, and a girls night would be a wonderful gift for him to bestow.
If the problem continues through February, you could threaten him with no place to live next year (remind him that cohabitation is not an option). The housing lottery has given many a student a wake-up call; it may be all your roommate needs to reprise the rule of crazy hilarious friend.
Lisa Cook is a senior staff columnist for The Heights. She welcomes comments at cooklb@bcheights.com.
Ryan Lopez is a staff columnist for The Heights. He welcomes comments at lopezr@bcheights.com.
2008 Woodie Awards
