Sometimes I feel like I am constantly surrounded by drugs; and not in that cool way our parents were in the '60s. In that "every time I turn on the TV I am convinced that I am depressed, have minor back pain, or need to take control of my menopausal symptoms" way. I miss the days when commercials were for things like slip-and-slides and Burger King; you know, useful stuff.
I think the real benefit of expensive HDTV systems is that you can actually read the fine print on the ads for drugs you're about to be convinced to take. Amid the brightly lit images of people dancing in the park and gazing happily into space (among other things, that make you wonder if everyone who appears happy in public just got their herpes under control) it's easy to forget that people are talking about serious medical issues.
Not that I'm advocating illegal drugs, but our prescribing habits seem more 80 percent than zero tolerance. They tell you not to take drugs because a sleazy drug dealer might slip something else in or otherwise spike your drug … with drugs. I respect and appreciate this, but at the same time I don't see much of a difference from pharmacies. A drug company can show a couple running down a white, sandy beach and display the side effects in conveniently chosen white making it impossible to determine what's actually in your "happy pills."
Even the most popularly prescribed drugs do way more than just the jingle tells you. Ritalin and Adderall are two of the most frequently prescribed drugs in the country, especially among children. They are meant to help students with ADD and ADHD focus better and be able to pay attention for extended periods of time; and oh yeah, they have some speed in them. It just seems counterproductive to have a fifth-grader take the DARE program and be told "drugs are bad. You should never, ever take speed. Unless your parents give it to you. Then it's just 20 milligrams of potential."
It seems that in order to get healthy you have to trade you illness for another one. You can cure your cold but get drowsy, get rid of your headache but become lightheaded, eliminate your rash but develop an itchy red spot. In light of this I present "Side Effects: What you would find in the fine print of a drug ad."
2008 Woodie Awards
