To say that my decision to study abroad rather than spend another year on The Heights editorial board threw me into an existential crisis would be a bit extreme. Melodramatics aside, however, Sartre's views on choice added a new dimension to my moments of self-doubt.
I vacillated between studying abroad and remaining on campus the full eight semesters for the first year and a half of college. Being elected Features editor and having found an abroad program that appealed to me presented a conflict, and I finally made a decision: I would spend a year on the board and, once my term was over, I would study abroad at the University of Amsterdam. The decision seemed like a no-brainer at the time - I would be able to have the best of both worlds, a year on the board and a semester in Europe. And it was an easy decision then because I had yet to experience what it is like to be a Heights editor.
The finiteness of my tenure was always in the background as I passed my first semester on the board, loving every minute of it; but the reality that it would eventually come to an end did not hit me until I came back from summer break. As the number of issues left in the semester decreased at what seemed like an alarmingly fast rate, my decision to leave in December began to seem less like a no-brainer and more like a mistake.
There were moments this semester where I considered staying. The fact that I had been accepted to UvA over the summer was what kept me from changing my mind; I told myself that this made my decision irreversible even though part of me knew that this wasn't exactly true. Nonetheless, I still felt the need to justify my decision, not to those around me, but to myself. I looked for reassurance in a variety of places. The responsibilities that come with putting out a weekly section of the paper mean that there is usually not a lot of time for other obligations like schoolwork. Perhaps it was inevitable that my thoughts on the latter would affect my thoughts on the former. Consequently, Voltaire's argument that in order to gain knowledge one must travel reinforced my opinion that going abroad would give me valuable life experiences in the form of exposure to another culture.
2008 Woodie Awards
