As a person who has been "married" to her gay best friend on Facebook since she started college, I feel comfortable admitting that I don't have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships. The last time I had a boyfriend, the most life-changing decision we ever had to make together was whether we wanted to splurge on a Hummer limo for prom with a built-in casino section and laser lights. Don't worry, we so did.
Nevertheless, my friends still constantly talk to me about their own guy troubles and ask for my advice. When I try to explain my ignorance on the subject, sometimes because I'm just being honest and other times because I would rather watch Sarah Palin try to form a complete sentence than listen to relationship drama, they reassure me that my "logical" perspective is just as valuable as the "emotional" advice they usually get from other sources.
The obvious insinuations of the word "logical" in this case aside (see also: blunt, heartless, unfeeling), I'm really hesitant to have these conversations with people. This is mainly because this subject always leads to them asking questions that may have "logical" answers that they do not want to hear. In the hopes of keeping some friends and upsetting as few people as possible, I've compiled a list of frequently asked relationship questions that I think lead to disastrous results when my blunt mouth opens to respond. Consider this a friendly warning, and in the future, ask at your own risk.
"Should I break up with him?": Do you fight more than Whitney and Bobby Brown? Are you unhappier than a CSOM student who has been watching MSNBC lately? Does he treat you worse than the furniture in a Mod? Are you sick of my speaking in tacky metaphors? Look, there's a reason why you're asking this question in the first place, so nothing I say is going to change your mind or fix the situation. "Should I break…" - unless the next word is "dance," you probably already know the answer.
"Can you believe he _____?": No, I can't, or at least that's what I'm going to say because it's the only answer you will deem acceptable in this situation. I mean, what response do you expect me to go with? "Yeah Sally, actually I can believe that he didn't pick up your phone call. He was probably in class, taking a shower, or sick of hearing you talk about what a terrible boyfriend he is because he doesn't perform trivial tasks at your every whim." See? It's best if we just don't go there.
2008 Woodie Awards
