Published: Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Updated: Wednesday, October 16, 2013 19:10
Welcome Back, Government - So our government is going to be operational again soon, and we would be remiss not to comment on this. We’re putting it in the Thumbs Up category because we need another one of these things, and in the long run, it’s probably a good thing that we have a government again. But the main reason it goes here is because we are sick of seeing large pictures of angry democrats and a psychologically tortured John Boehner under dramatic headlines on all of our news sources of choice.
Get Me To The Game - This Friday is the first time to use those hard-earned Gold Pass points to get you a ticket to a high-demand hockey game! That’s right, the Eagles take on the Wisconsin Badgers at 7 p.m. We are certainly very excited for the worthy match up, and we very much hope that we win, but first, we hope that enough of the people with the required amount of Gold Pass points immediately delete all emails from BC Athletics and therefore don’t know to pick up their tickets so those of us who may have fallen a tad short can get in.
The Long Weekend Syndrome - We don’t know exactly how this happened, but one long weekend, one missed Monday, returned us to school on Tuesday with absolutely no memory of what we had been learning in any of our classes. Even our Tuesday classes, which we had not missed a single day of, seemed entirely foreign. How is this possible? If this is any indication of how we’ll respond to getting more than one day off, we might as well just not return after Thanksgiving. And after Christmas? Forget it. We’ll be lucky if we remember how to read.
Sports Side Effect - October is the month of sports, and we love it: baseball playoffs, football season is hitting its stride, basketball will start soon. The only downside? The endless erectile dysfunction commercials we have to sit through as a result. Putting aside the fact that this could potentially create an awkward situation if the people you’re watching the game with and you aren’t quite on that able-to-joke-about-erectile-dysfunction level, it’s still slightly uncomfortable no matter what to look at the smiling face of that graying man as he sweetly kisses his aged-but-attractive wife, and know that the drug company is really trying to tell you that the graying man is able to have passionate, exciting sex whenever he so pleases, with the help of their drug. But hey, it’s a price we are willing to pay.
Say No To Oreos - Well, it turns out that Oreos can be just as addictive as cocaine. We don’t really know what to do with this information. So, Oreos are pretty terrible for us and if we eat enough of them, it could seriously damage our health or maybe even give us a heart attack and kill us. It’s dangerous to eat even one Oreo in case the addiction grabs us and we find ourselves needing them every day, then twice a day, then suddenly we’re going through a pack a day and control is slipping out of our hands until we’ve gained so much weight and become so consumed by the constant need for Oreos that our friends feel like they don’t even know us anymore. So the safe thing is to avoid ever eating Oreos, and establish education programs so children understand the dangers of Oreos from an early age. The government should take this into their own hands and establish a War Against Oreos, and everyone should just generally steer clear of Satan’s cookie for their own good … but they’re so damn delicious, so who really gives a shit?