What You Might Be Thinking
Published: Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Updated: Wednesday, January 9, 2013 18:01
My life is so hard. Seriously. The hardest. I have the hardest of lives. My life is filled with challenges. Hard challenges.
It's midterms and I don't think anyone's life is worse than mine right now, in the whole world. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. I'm sure there are a few people in the world who have a tougher life than me right now. But I'm definitely top five. Maybe even top three.
I live in O'Neill. Yesterday I spent like four hours there reading some stupid book. I might as well put a cot and a lava lamp in one of the study rooms and call it my apartment. I could just move in, buy a cat, and be an old cat person until I die. That's how long I'm going to be in the library, until I die of old age, or some cat related virus.
Everything would be fine if I didn't have that club I voluntarily joined and generally enjoy doing. It takes up some of my time. That is time that I should be spending with my beloved cat in our penthouse apartment on the sixth floor of O'Neill.
You know what? I don't even care. None of this work matters. It doesn't relate at all to my future career that I have yet to experience but claim to know everything about. It serves no purpose. None. I literally can't think of a single purpose it has. Now I'm laughing about all the work I have to do.
Hahahaha.
It's funny how stressed I was. Not anymore. Let's go to Mary Ann's. That place is fun and carefree, like me. It has a jukebox and a mini arcade in the back. Let's go there and rip shots. I'm so fun.
…
Why did I go to Mary Ann's? I am such a fool. Who was I kidding? Of course this work is important. It is the most important. It might be the most important thing I will ever do in my life. If I do mediocre on this test, I might not get into a top law school. If I don't get into a top law school then I won't get a high paying law job. If I don't get a high paying law job then my life is a failure and I might as well buy a cardboard box and a lava lamp, throw it in the nearest sewer, and call it home.
No, I need to stay focused on my dream: my dream of one day becoming a mid-level tax attorney with two cars, three children, and a Labradoodle named Bartleby. I can't imagine doing anything else. This was my dream since I found out lawyers get paid more than other professions but require less schooling than doctors. It's so unfair that one midterm in "Asia in the World" could ruin everything.
The midterm is at nine. In the morning. How could anyone ever function at that hour? No one else in the entire world works that early. I imagine that when Noah was building his ark for the flood, even he didn't get started until around 11. I'm certain God had the courtesy of postponing the flood until after lunchtime.
My professor did this on purpose. He hates me. I can tell. He stays up at night concocting various schemes on how he is going to fail me. His primary pleasure in life is derived from the suffering of others, like a Dementor or Justin Bieber's record producers. The professor is so unfair. Nay, he is treacherous. I use words like treacherous and nay when I am angry. It sounds better. I should tweet that.
Even if I survive the midterm, I have to finish writing my thesis. I can't believe I was forced to write this. When I enter the real world I'll never have to spend my time researching and writing on a topic that I find interesting. I'll get to slave away at my job instead. Like it should be.
I hope that test tomorrow never happens. Not because I'm unprepared but because the second it's over, I'll have nothing to say. Commiserating is my main source of bonding with people. The minute I see a friend of mine, I immediately start talking about all the work I have. What would I talk about if there wasn't any work?
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Once all this work is done I'll have the time to appreciate all the good that surrounds me. But right now I need to be miserable. I need to ignore all the things that made me smile today and focus on the things that make me groan. Tomorrow I'll be happy. Then again, tomorrow I should start applying for jobs. Applying for jobs is so hard… .
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