Arts, Column

COLUMN: All Hail The Queen (Bey)

Dear Beyonce,

It’s common knowledge that you are a goddess in the celebrity world. And I mean that quite literally-frankly, people worship you. If someone utters your name, it’s most likely followed by a chorus of gushing praise, including but not limited to: “Ugh, I love Beyonce. She’s literallyperfect. Why can’t I just be Beyonce?” You are an inspiration for millions of girls (and even guys) across the nation. But Beyonce, I think your presence has become slightly overbearing in my personal life. I’m not necessarily complaining, because, as we all know, you are our queen-but I’m wondering if, or when, this obsession will ever cease.

First of all, your presence is ubiquitous. Last semester during finals week, I saw countless students posting motivational pictures of your regal self with the words “You have as many hours in a day as Beyonce.” Wait. Hold up. You’re a real person? You have 24 hours in your day just like the rest of us? Glad I had that little reminder-now I think I can get back to my homework, knowing that you’re out there being a human just like me.

You also manage to find your way into places I’d least expect. When reading an innocent Buzz Feed article called, “What does your favorite breakfast food say about you?” I was only past the first list item when, BAM-there you were again. Apparently, if bagels are my favorite food, I’m basically Beyonce. Not only was I curious as to whether or not bagels truly are your breakfast food of choice, but I was also wondering if there was legitimate reasoning behind this well-researched claim. Most likely, it was just a way for Buzz Feed to get your name into that article. Paula Deen may claim that butter makes everything better, but let’s be honest-Beyonce, you make everything better.

Continuing with the food theme, a Brooklyn restaurant called Brucie will be offering a Valentine’s Day dinner inspired by you and your husband Jay Z. Some of these dishes include the “Breastiny’s Child” (veal breast), along with pasta dishes such as the “I Am Pasta Fierce” and the “Jay-Ziti.” Not only will couples everywhere be playing “Love On Top” on repeat on the 14th, but they’ll also be wishing that they could get in on this menu and eat a meal in your honor.

Of course, I can’t forget to mention that you can get away with pretty much anything. You dropped an album out of thin air, and suddenly the world seemed to shake from the impact of your bold and daring move. Your child has the same name as one of the crayons in my Crayola 64 pack-and you didn’t even try to go for one of the exotic ones like cerulean or indigo. Now that we all know it’s acceptable to name our children after primary colors, I wonder if we’ll be seeing some more Yellows in America’s classrooms. Maybe Taylor Swift will call her first child Red. There’s a rainbow of possibilities.

Americans are not only obsessed with your music-they’re looking at your body as well. I’m sure you’ve heard of the “thigh gap” and its accompanying mantra: “feet together, thighs apart.” Clearly this obsession has a negative impact on female body image. What’s the solution? You guessed it-it’s you, Beyonce! To combat the more negative posts on Tumblr, various social media platforms have been circulating the phrase, “If Beyonce doesn’t have a thigh gap, I don’t need a thigh gap.” I mean, maybe it might be nice to teach girls that they don’t need a thigh gap because they are beautiful the way they are and because each body type is unique in its own right, but I guess using you as a role model is another way to go.

Beyonce, I’m not saying that any of these things are your fault. Media, publicity, and consumer trends also have a role in shaping your image, to the extent where it has become somewhat obsessive. I just want you to know that, whether I’m deciding what I want to name my child or what I want to eat for breakfast, I’ll inevitably be thinking of you. All hail the Queen.

February 5, 2014