Sports, Football, Column

A Reading From The Book Of Dudes

Two days after the seventh day—which turned out to be a really sweet time for a nap—the Lord determined that there was a terrible lack of heart, toughness, and family in the world. Saddened by the incomplete nature of his vision, he molded a new creature from the saltiest tides of the oceans, the richest bark of the great sequoias, and the leftover granite from his kitchen renovation. And in that moment, the first Dude was born—and he was forever deigned to DEFEND THIS HOUSE.

For an epoch, The Dude carried out his mission with great enthusiasm. Eventually, though, the weight of his task became too great, and he passed on the title of Dude to his rightful heir. Since then, a succeeding line of Dudes including, but not limited to, Joan of Arc, Daniel Boone, Sir Francis Drake, Teddy Roosevelt, and most recently, Boston College football head coach Steve Addazio, have perpetuated the art of Dudeliness throughout the world, obeying and constantly updating the Book Of Dudes with dudely wisdom.

The Heights very recently obtained a passage from the BOD, written by Addazio before the season to guide his eventual successor. The following is an unaltered copy of Addazio’s 10 Commandments, presented in light of his transformation into the highest form of Dude after BC’s victory against No. 9 USC.

1) There is only one way to start the day. First, you must shower in glacier water and shave with an 18th century scimitar to ready your skin for the punishing adversity of the coming hours. Without toughness, we are left with just heart and family, so the body must be upheld via punishing boulder lifts, rip current swims, and mountain sprints. After working out, a balanced breakfast of one adult goat will provide enough energy to begin another day of spreading the word of the Dude.

2) Beware of the usurpers. False Dudes will emerge to obstruct your mission, but you must remain vigilant—they possess neither the respect, nor the heart of a true Dude. A list of potential usurpers to be wary of includes Steve Spurrier, Jon Hamm, Rex Ryan, Anna Kendrick, and of course, Blake Shelton.

3) There will come a time when I elect to kick a field goal on third down. All will doubt me, but it is something I must do—for there are times when you need neither timeouts nor four downs. You, too, will be faced with a test that confuses and frightens the people you care for the most, but you mustn’t be afraid—all will be well in time. Follow your heart as I will follow mine.

4) Finding success as a Dude is highly contingent on your ability to lead and motivate, of which I have learned the secrets. When speaking, emphasize certain words repeatedly. Then, randomly shout some sentences, and make sure you always pound your fists on the table with precise symmetry to bring home your points. The people will listen.

5) Family.

6) Build immunity to fire. I, too, was once vulnerable to flames, but I have found life considerably easier ever since I reached the incombustible stage of toughness.

7) Treasure old friends, but make new ones, too. I hope my old friend, Tyler, and my new friends Jon, Sherm, and Myles, will play key roles in my football family. Carve their names on your family tree, and if you do not have one, plant the seeds of a mighty oak. With proper sunlight, water, and togetherness, there is no limit to how tall we can grow.

8) Just laugh at the little things. That way, the little things are not scared of you, and once they let their guard down, you can crush them with all of your might.

9) Guard your smile. Even during your most victorious moments, be careful. Smiling exposes your teeth, which guard your throat, which is just two turns away from the heart—and if they get your heart, they can get your family. No one is tough enough to withstand a teeth-throat-heart-family attack.

10) Maintain a secret lair for kicking back. Even the strongest of Dudes must recharge their toughness in the sand and surf. There, you can spend time with your family, and your heart, and your toughness. Heart. Toughness. Family. #HTF.

Featured Image by Jordan Pentaleri / Heights Graphic


September 15, 2014

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