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What To Give Ariana Grande Besides A 42.5-Pound Pumpkin

It’s hard not to think about romance when late autumn settles upon the city—holding hands in the Common, drinking hot cider on a stroll through Beacon Hill, getting cozy under your favorite blanket to watch the early-November flurries fall past your windows, sending your beloved celebrity crush an insanely large pumpkin….

That’s right, of all the ways love can be expressed at this time of year in New England, Lowell native Timothy Normandin, 29, decided that mailing a 42.5-pound pumpkin would win him the affection of pop sensation Ariana Grande.

Sadly for Tim, all that his oddly affectionate package—which also included eight Yankee candles and a rock from the White Mountains of New Hampshire—accomplished was widespread Internet embarrassment and a criminal harassment investigation, courtesy of the Lowell police.

While I’m not a famous pop star and the only absurd packages I receive are from my mom (who sent me a red solo teacup last week), as a self-proclaimed romantic and honorary Bostonian, I offer this column to Tim, and any other overly aggressive New England fans, as Boston things—better than a large pumpkin—that he could have sent to the singer.

A 40-lb bowl of clam chowder and 2.5 pounds of oyster crackers

What’s more Boston than clam chowder? Nothing, except for maybe an old Irish man from Southie calling it clam chowdah. Regardless of whether you pronounce it with or without its ending consonant, the cream-based delicacy is not only a city staple, but it would also quite literally warm the heart of anyone receiving it.

White Mountain ice cream

A rock from New Hampshire? Really, Tim? That is what you think is going to win you the heart of a pop star? Instead of a rock from the White Mountains of the Granite State, go the more romantic route with a small cup of Rocky Road from White Mountain—hey, it works for Kerry Cronin. Just make sure she spends only 45 to 90 minutes eating it, it gets delivered during the daytime, and that your gift only guarantees the potential for an A-frame hug.

The “Poe Returning to Boston” statue

Not only would sending a life-sized statue be more extravagant than a weirdly large pumpkin, but any link to the poet would be a generous nod to Grande’s artistic talent. Both artists focus on love and, though one does go through rhyming references to necrophilia and the other needs the help of Iggy Azealea and Big Sean, we can just explain the shift through situational relevance. Who knows, maybe in 100 years, future Boston College English majors will be fighting for spots in “Grande and the Gothic.” Poe hated Boston anyway, and he would probably be happier in the hands of Ariana Grande than frozen in time at the corner of Boylston and Charles Streets.

The B Line

Why be an aggressive fan who sends Yankee candles to his favorite celebrity when you can be an attentive fan who sends his favorite celebrity relevant examples of his or her songs? Although you can guarantee that no one will ever have “one less problem” with an unnecessarily long commute through BU, that one will never be able to “Break Free” from the mass of smelly commuters who flood the cars on any weekday evening, and that no matter where you get on or off you will never “love the way” your B Line experience goes, at least you will be “Victorious” in making allusions to her chart topping tracks, #sentimentalstalking.

A bigger pumpkin

Why stop with just 42.5 pounds? The largest pumpkin recorded this year in Massachusetts was 1,870 pounds. If you are willing to risk criminal charges for this girl, go big or go home.

Featured Image – AP Photo / Todd Williamson / Invision

November 5, 2014

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