As that cocky son-of-a-craftsman Icarus learned a few thousand fortnights ago, flying too close to the sun carries an inherent danger of ending up burnt to a crisp, or in his case, plunged into the ocean. Despite the warning of that shriveled-up Ancient Greek, humans continue to aim higher and fly farther, landing drones on comets, investigating dark matter, and discovering two new possible planets in the solar system. So, when the company behind SkyMall—the very pinnacle of human creativity and ingenuity—announced that it’s filing for bankruptcy Friday morning, old Icarus must have enjoyed quite the knowing chuckle down in his watery grave. It turns out you can only create so many High Waist Control Boxer Briefs ($37.00) and NFL Forest Faces ($22.99) before you tread dangerously close to God’s secret vision for the universe.
But don’t weep for spilled Casita & Bungalow Cat Trees ($59.99 – $199.99). Sure, SkyMall got burnt, but that was the always the risk with setting up shop in the stratosphere.
In solemn eulogy for that great vendor in the sky, I’ve created a mini catalogue of what would be the most popular products in the Boston College Bookstore—if the minds behind SkyMall were given free reign and zero supervision. Here we go.
Vineyard Vines Quarter Zip With 6 USB Ports & Built In Battery Organizer & Tester ($160.00): Nothing screams “I’m sporty but fashionable and kind of an ass” like this Beantown essential. Out on Newbury St. trying to post an Instagram with Bae? Use one of your six USB chargers to stay connected all day long. And don’t worry about running out of juice: with a built-in organizer and tester, you’ll never have to stop texting.
Jesuit Dog Collar ($9.99): Get your pup out of the dog house and into the House of God. Neutered dogs only.
Maroon & Gold Spirit Blanket With Kevlar Popcorn Maker ($99.95): Picture this—you’re curled up with that special someone, enjoying a lovely fall picnic beneath this hand-crafted comfort cloud. Or maybe you’re cozying up on the couch, binge watching Netflix. Either way, don’t get up if the stomach grumbles come—just fire up the built-in popcorn machine, but watch out for the scorching hot butter! This blanket is strong enough to survive fire and light artillery shelling, so feel free to bring it over to Grandma’s house.
Yoga Mat ($40.00): This stylish and comfortable mat is perfect for all your die-in protesting and downward facing dog posing needs. For best results, don’t bring it into St. Mary’s.
Men’s Leather Watch ($29.55): A truly special collector’s item, and a staff favorite—it’s just like the watch your great-grandfather wears, except this one lights up with a little Baldwin when you hit a tiny, difficult-to-press button. It’s also a total piece of junk, and will explode if partially submerged in water.
BC Dudefest Tent ($110.00): Ever wondered what it’s like to live inside the head of charismatic football coach Steve Addazio? Heck if we know, but with this four-paneled, four-Addazio-faced tent featuring the furious “What The F—k Kind of Call Was That” Addazio, the joyous “Thank God For Tyler Murphy” Addazio, the strangely confident “Let’s Kick On Third Down” Addazio, and the morose “We Burned A Scholarship On Mike Knoll” Addazio, you can #BeADude all tailgate long. Bonus Deluxe Version: For an extra $19.99 you can own a larger-than-life foldout of Addazio’s heart and family.
Camelbak Water Bottle & Breathalyzer ($19.99): UGBC meetings getting a bit too boozy? There’s no better way to keep your elected and well-paid student leaders safe than by having them hydrate with this 25 fluid ounce water bottle. Just make sure they hit the breathalyzer before advocating on your behalf, or whatever the hell they do now!
Featured Graphic by Breck Wills / Heights Graphic