Muenster Cheese – Most people are easily overwhelmed when they enter the wild world of cheese. Colby? Jack? Cheddar? What is this? For those people, we would like to provide a moment of parental guidance. There is one true cheese, a cheese that rises above all others into a transcendent state of gustatory glory. That cheese is Muenster.
Putting Your Feet Up On Desks – There’s no greater power move than strutting into your professor’s office hours, plopping down on a chair, and planting the heels of your dog-turd-stained boots right on his desk. This is a guaranteed way to get an A in any class. The professor will respect you and assume that you are a reasonable, intelligent, and worthy student.
Freaking Out Your Rommate – There’s nothing better than an eight-month, extremely well-coordinated plan to drive your roommate insane. One day you’re found standing in a circle with seven extremely tall women, all raising both hands in the air and chanting, “Pimmy pams for my jimmy jams.” The next day you say you have no memory of this. You wake up in the middle of the night and begin laughing maniacally. When your roommate wakes, you fall back asleep. You brush your teeth every morning with a toilet scrubber while looming over your still-sleeping roommate. Occasionally you pet your roommate’s hair and tell them, “You’re the chosen one,” before sprinting from the room as fast as you can. Within two months your roommate will be requesting a new dormitory or a new college. That’ll teach them to treat you nicely and try to get along with you.
Platitudes – They’re fun because everyone can be a part of them. Join arms with me, fellow humans, and let us rejoice.
Washing Your Sheets – You wake up one morning and realize that you are swimming in a sea of dead skin and solidified sweat. The stench emanating from your bed has attracted a horde of 17 rats that crawl up your walls in a synchronized assault of nightmarish proportions. Sighing, you rip the sheets off your bed and march down to the laundry room. The horror. Could your life be any more of a struggle?
Test and Homework on the Same Day – “This is absurd,” you scream. “I should report you to the police.” Homework on the same day you have a test? What kind of cruel joke is this? The second you heard the news you leapt onto your desk and proclaimed your protest. Your professor stares at you with a blank, dead-eyed glare. “Students, my brothers and sisters,” you yell. “I call upon you to rise up. To throw off this yoke of overwork. Come with me. We shall lie in our beds and watch television in solidarity. They may take our GPAs but they will never take our freedom!”
Featured Image by Gerry Broome / AP Photo