The Thumbs of Wrath

Thumbs Up

Sagely Drivers – When you took that taxi back to campus, all you were expecting was a quick ride through the city and maybe one or two uncomfortable questions about what you are studying, but instead you were met by an old man with the wise eyes of a dying crow and the glorious mustache of a walrus. His voice sounds like a mix between a grizzly bear and a harp. While weaving in and out of traffic, he imparted words of true and undying wisdom upon you. “When you’re young you always want muffins,” he said. “But when you grow old the muffins want you.” GASP! He might be on drugs, but he also might be our generation’s Socrates. After you get out of the car, you stand on the curb and watch as this enigmatic man of mysterious origins and inexplicable circumstances floats away.

No Line for Omelets – In the wee small hours of the morning (9:27 a.m.) you walk into Lower. Expecting a line that stretches to Kathmandu, you head for the Egg McBCs, but then you see something miraculous, something unbelievable. No line. Not a single person. Lifting both hands high above your head in victory, you jog over to the counter and order up a fine omelet filled to the brim with artery-clogging meats.

Taking Care of Business – There’s nothing more satisfying than ultra-productivity. Except for maybe a meaningful relationship or some lasting happiness. But when we crank out papers, slaying our work like a mythic monster, there’s no feeling quite as salubrious.

Purposely Using a Fancy Word You Don’t Know the Meaning of so That you can Self-Awarely Comment on it Later and Then Looking up the Word and Realizing That it Actually Kind of Works in Context, Albeit in a Roundabout sort of way –  Totally relatable feeling, right?

Thumbs Down

The Blinking Light in the Corner of Lower – Sometimes you just want to huddle in the corner and eat your ground chuck in peace, maybe read the daily paper or sip a fine cup of coffee. But you can’t, because the freaking light across from you keeps blinking, reminding you of the 17 months you spent working in an underground casino with bad electricity. It’s too much. Strobe lights are for extremely regretful and slightly pathetic Saturday nights, not Monday afternoons. This must be fixed. No man can suffer this slight inconvenience any longer.

April Fools – This is a day of constant fear and unlimited paranoia. In a world already filled with both of these things, this overload is crushingly painful. You wake up in the morning, already panting like a sick dog and soaked in sweat. They’re coming for you. The mole-men, the pranksters, the fooling foolers with their foolery. What will it be? A “kick me” sign on your back? Itching powder? Hand sanitizer down the back of your pants? What if they already got to you? What if it’s all just one big prank? You curl up in a small ball on your bed, unable to cope with the fools, be they April or not. Eventually you rise from your bed, shaking like a decapitated chicken, and wander out into the world. Slapping the first person you see across the face, you scream, “APRIL FOOLS! I GOT YOU FIRST! I GOT YOU FIRST! YOU’LL NEVER FOOL ME!” Sprinting across campus, you laugh maniacally, tears streaming down your face.

Featured Image by Francisco Ruela / Heights Staff

March 30, 2016