Anna Thumbenina

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Classes Without Finals – As we approach the final days of class, when studying for finals becomes a priority, it’s important to acknowledge those good folks who don’t give final exams. I’ll up a thumb for you beautiful people any day.

A Select Few Particular Brands of Hot Sauce –  Some hot sauce tastes like failure. Some hot sauce tastes like justice. Other hot sauces taste like concepts that are referenced where you would normally expect a more tangible taste-related word for some not-fantastically-executed comedic effect. But generally, when you get a good hot sauce it can keep your meal engaging, interesting, fascinating, and maybe even a little stupendous.

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Getting Lost – In the spirit of the great explorers of ages past, you decided to go for a little stroll through Boston. With no particular guiding force, you got off the T downtown and headed in a direction you supposed might be sort of oriented toward the east. About 20 minutes later, you’re in some never-before-seen area of Dorchester and some vaguely threatening Girl Scouts are trying to foist unwanted cookies into your hands. “Stay away from me,” you cry, running off, flapping your arms as though you are a majestic sea fowl. Grabbing your phone you realize that your battery has dropped to 5 percent. Confound your foolish need to listen to hours and hours of Polish club music on the ride over. With no map in sight, and far too much pride to ask for directions, you continue to wander. Hours later you realize that you are surrounded by buildings covered in symbols that are clearly not English. You’ve entered Chinatown. Your shoes begin to overflow with blood, leaving a ghastly trail behind you. A small, scraggly beard has covered your face. Stumbling onward, you finally see something you recognize. You’re almost downtown again. It all becomes clearer. The Pru! The Common! The State House! You see the T stop and rush forward. Falling to your knees you kiss the floor of the subway station and immediately contract a virulent cold sore.

Sun-Headaches – These are also known as happiness headaches in some parts of the world. They occur when the subject is walking through a grass-covered area and observes other subjects enjoying the warm weather and bright sunlight. This causes immediate negative effects in the subject: dizziness, cramps, blurred vision, an inexplicable sound of locust buzzing filling the ears. Too much enjoyment, too much happiness, too much satisfaction. An immediate retreat into a subterranean, badly lit place is the only known cure.

Closed Courses – For one moment your naive, childish mind thought you would actually be interested in what you were learning for next semester. While planning for registration, you saw a class that vaguely stimulated that long-dormant part of your brain that gains satisfaction from education. But then the course filled up the day before you registered, and that was that. Time to slog through another semester.

Featured Image by Alonzo Adams / AP Photo

April 24, 2016