Back in the Saddle Again – Boston College? More like Awesome Snausage! We’re so excited we’re using multiple exclamation points!!! Normally we’re like most college students—dead inside—but the excitement of returning to campus has just filled us to the brim with girlish glee, like a cannoli about to explode. GOLLY, THIS IS FUN!!!!……………………… all right, back to normal now.
Edmond’s – Goodbye, my friend. Will I ever love again? You’ve always been with us, Edmond’s, a friend to the healthy-living people, the sustainable-living people, the unhealthy, unsustainable, self-destructive-living people, and even the average people. Every day, we shed a tear over your dilapidated, half-destroyed husk. You were beautiful, Edmond’s. Beautiful.
Air Conditioning – Sorry, freshmen. The first few weeks are going to be a mess. Every night you’ll wake up soaking in a quagmire of your own bodily fluids, choking on the stifling air, blinded by sweat, strangled by blankets, and begging for death. But beyond that, college will be great. As for the rest of us, living in air-conditioned dorms like the exalted Vanderslice, home of heroes and champions, we will spend our nights cloaked in a blanket of cool, artificial happiness.
Seat Belt Warning Sensors – Hasn’t humanity suffered enough? Why must a horrible, high-pitched alarm drill straight into our brain stems if we don’t put on a seat belt? We all know that putting on a seat belt makes you “safer” and “can prevent serious injury,” but sometimes you just don’t want to be restricted by that horrible belt, or, as us freedom-lovers call it, “the liberty shackle.” If you want to die in a terrible and yet totally avoidable accident, that’s your God-given right. LET FREEDOM RING!
Aggressive Emails Before the First Day of Class – “If you took this class thinking it would be an easy A, THINK AGAIN, JACKASS! You’d best come prepared to learn, or you’ll end up bleeding in a ditch on the side of the road. That’s right, I’m going to actually, literally, truly murder you with homework and tests because THIS CLASS ISN’T A JOKE. IT’S SERIOUS. MY LIFE IS IMPORTANT.” Okay, professor. I understand that your class is a real thing, you don’t have to threaten me before we’ve even met.
Realizing You’re Over the Hill – For the upperclassmen, it’s important that you know your life is kind of going down the toilet. This year is going to go by in a second, and then it’s time to party. And by party I mean enter the workforce and struggle to turn your degree into a good job and then spend the rest of your life working until you grow old, contract a terminal illness, and die in a smelly hospital bed, begging for just one more minute.
Being a Total Downer – Who needs to talk about death when we can talk about puppies? Have you ever seen a Bernese Mountain Dog? Look it up. It’ll make you feel better.
Featured Image by Scott Sonner / AP Photo