Opinions, Column

Your Glee Horoscope

Many of us have had the amazing, unique, and yet unfortunate experience of watching Glee. Lots of words could be used to describe the show, but honestly, I must say that it slayed—it’s the first and best and only word I am going to use to describe the show. There are so many characters who have so many arcs. Who you are, and your immediate future is, directly related to your favorite character.

Rachel Berry: Stop. False. No way she’s your favorite. Please. I can’t. I have nothing to say. Rethink your life, please. You are not the star. This is the real world where people don’t mess up their best song twice but still get accepted to a school where Kate Hudson will bully you. Just stop. I don’t even want you reading this article. Bye.

Mercedes Jones: She is perfect. She is everything. You are a diva but you need to be, so keep on demanding everything of everyone. You deserve it. Don’t let yourself be outshone. Speak up! I know you like her because you feel like you need to speak up. I see success and happiness in your future if you fight for it! Slay queen!

Finn Hudson: Uhh. Finn is boring as heck. Why? He does nothing at all really. Like, he sings decently, and every time I see him dance I want to rip my eyes out, but he’s pretty harmless. The episode where he died was beautiful and sad and very well done, but yeah. I don’t even have advice. I’m just bored. He doesn’t even get MILFs like Puck. Just yeah, move on babes.

Kurt Hummel: Mmm okay yeah maybe. I can see it if you were gay and he’s your first ounce of representation, but otherwise? I don’t know. He goes hand-in-hand with Rachel at the end of the series, and that’s frankly embarrassing. His outfits? Also embarrassing. You are probably a drama queen, and you need to calm down a bit. Let’s slow down and think through our actions, okay? Okay.

Quinn Fabray: Um I don’t even know what to say. Like why? I mean we all love when she has fun with Santana at Will’s wedding, but that’s pretty much it. So I gotta say, be nicer to people around you because they might turn out to be as fake as you, and turn on you. Try keeping your moods in check, because most of the time your first impulse will be terrible. I see much betrayal in your future.

Santana Lopez: QUEEN. LOVE. STAN. ICON. Santana is amazing, life-changing, and iconic. And of course, if she is your favorite, you must be iconic. Or a raging jerk, but we’ll ignore that for now. You tend to keep your feelings bottled up, and that’s not healthy! Find yourself a journal or a trusted confidant, maybe a Brittany stan, and let that stuff go. I promise you’ll feel so good after. But keep slaying queen. I love you, and you keep us all entertained.

Blaine Anderson: Blaine? Seriously? Honestly, he annoys me, and so by default you annoy me. You’re nice and stuff, and it’s fine, but honestly it feels a little fake. Try reflecting on your motivations and how you impact others, because I am sick of the Blaine show, okay? Also,Blaine dated Karofsky, so I gotta warn you about relationships in the future. Please heed your friends’ warnings. I promise you they have your best interest in mind.

Sue Sylvester: SUEEEEEEEE. And that’s how Sue C’s it! Icon. Legend. But unfortunately, bully. Like, queen, I love you, but you gotta calm down. Let’s pause, and reflect on our actions and how they affect others. Maybe pick up a new hobby or do service or something. Maybe Best Buddies?! Like, that’s awesome. I believe your heart isn’t entirely evil, so save yourself queen, or there is a lonely future in front of you.

Mike Chang: He’s hot, he can dance, and he’s amazing. I am a little concerned that he’s your favorite, though, because he’s probably just your favorite because he’s no one’s favorite. So it’s giving pick-me vibes. Watch yourself.

Tina Cohen-Chang: Like yes emo queen, but also she faked a stutter for a whole season so people wouldn’t call on her or make her present in class. I’ll let you decide. You’re a bit of a red flag, but people like you anyway. Keep being emo because that’s what makes you epic.

Brittany S. Pierce: Your favorite is BRITTANY?! Amazing, icon, love, stan. She is awesome in all the best sassy ways. You are so cool and you don’t even know it, which, according to One Direction, makes you even cooler. My advice: buy a cat. It will be your partner in crime and you will do great things together. I see wonderful things in your future. You are destined for greatness, and not the small vision of greatness that your parents probably have. Your path is unpaved, so it’s time to pave it with rainbow stones.

Sam Evans: Okay slay fish lips. Sam is nice, pretty unproblematic, besides the Mercedes incident, even if that musical number slapped. So if Sam is your favorite then you’re probably kinda plain, but definitely not in a bad way. You’re nice, you look out for people, and it’s easy to make and be friends with you. In short, you pretty much slay. In your future expect little change unless you decide to make a big change. Keep on slaying out there babes.

Will Schuester: There is a reason that Mr. Shue is at the bottom of the list. His list of offenses is almost admirable: he framed a student and blackmailed him to join the Glee Club, he twerked, he RAPPED (I cannot even). If Will is your favorite character I probably don’t like you. Like babes, why are we endorsing creepy teacher behavior??? Stop nawr. So, therefore as decreed by the Gods (me), something bad will happen in your immediate future. Possibly even right after you finish this article. So watch out, dude, it’s coming for you.

Featured Graphic by Annie Corrigan/ Heights Editor

May 1, 2022