Friday, April 1, 2016

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Super Brief, True News:

Own It Summit to Host Trump as Keynote Speaker

Following Anonymous Donation, 2150 Comm. Ave. to be Renamed After Another Rich White Guy

Student Believes She’s Doing “God’s Work” by Buying Haley House Cookies

Roggie’s Will Reopen in April After Nobody Bothering to Question Why It Never Left

Birdball Season Opener Moved to Active Parking Lot Due to Snow

TheatER Department Expresses Unanimous Approval of ‘Heights’ Arts Review

BC Student Wins $1 Million in a Totally Legitimate Case Against Campus Blog ‘The Dab’

Police Blotter

A report was filed regarding a suspicious person doing suspicious things in a suspicious place at a suspicious time … suspiciously.

A report was filed regarding a stolen salt shaker in Lower.

A report was filed regarding minors in possession of marijuana in the woods of Newton Campus.

A report was filed regarding a six-inch blade found in a Haley House cookie. The bakers, however, are pleading the fifth.

A report was filed regarding a freshman found in a Mod knowing no one there. An investigation is pending.

A report was filed regarding an unidentified person living in Walsh Hall, or, you know, a homeless person.

A report was almost filed regarding a girl sleeping in a boy’s dorm in Ignatius Hall, but then BCPD realized they didn’t care.

Top 4 News Bits:

On Thursday, a history professor will discuss his most recent book about the intersection of history and Jesuit ideals. The event will take place at 3 p.m. in McGuinn 121 but should probably be held in Stokes S107.

On Thursday night, a biology professor will discuss her most recent book about the intersection of biology and Catholicism. The event will take place at 7 p.m. in Devlin 008 but should probably be held in Gasson 304.

On Friday morning, an economics professor will discuss his most recent book about the intersection of economics and Jesus. The event will take place at 9 a.m. in Alumni Stadium but should probably take place in a booth on the first floor of O’Neill Library.

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Viral Star Damn Daniel to Speak at Commencement

The Snapchat star will reportedly be back at it again with his white vans.

Check out the story … or don’t ….

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MORE HARD-HITTING NEWS BELOW!

(See DEPORTES farther down ↓)
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‘Heights’ Set to Become Dependent Newspaper of Boston College

University Spokesman Zack Bunn named new EIC in a move likely to shock the student body, once they learn the paper was actually independent before.

You should read this ….

EC Forced to Open Race After Two UGBC Primary Victors Drop Out, 12 More Teams Declare

The Committee was concerned that the remaining team, Tony Pena and Raquel Tight, were too much of a joke, as they both serve as editors on The Dab.

Click this plz ….

‘Club Kirk’ Will be Converted to On-Campus Housing in September

The recently renovated basement—known for its state-of-the-art lighting system and speakers—will be utilized by Campus Ministry for weekly Examens and reflections.

Just in time for the housing lottery ….

Newton Freshman Found Living in 90 Study Room for Three Months

“Please don’t make me go back. I can’t take it. The buses take forever and there’s nothing to do and it’s so inconvenient and my roommate smells like farts and Cheetos.”

Yeah, this one gets weird ….

Student Immediately Ascends to Heaven after PULSE

The theology department stated that after DuPont went to heaven, interest in the PULSE program went up 500 percent.

Click to read about someone better than you ….

No One Opts for 2000, ResLife Re-Evaluates

“We brought in some more second opinions, and eventually we found one who said our insurance liability for drunk students inevitably falling over the balconies was low enough to proceed,” Associate Vice President for Student Affairs Greg Fairy said.

Feel better about your housing situation here ….

Student Whose Life Wasn’t Changed on Appa Admitted for Psych Evaluation

Jordan said during his final group reflection that he felt helpless and that the trip was a little “meh,” prompting his Appa group members to turn on him and banish him to a corner on the bus next to the bathroom.

We dare you to click this … YOU WON’T ….

Boy Spotted Reading ‘The Heights’

Multiple sources confirm that only did Paniniterini allegedly read the entire issue cover to cover, but he even took a gander at the ads page and tried to complete the crossword puzzle, spending almost seven minutes on 28 Across.

Hope you’re reading this, Jake ….

Nova Scotian Art Exhibit in the Devlin Maintenance Closet Captures the Exquisite Culture of Southeastern Canada

Sources from the nearby Admissions desk say, however, that the metaphorical location might have lost its meaning this time, as the devoted Devlin art connoisseur may have been the only one who attended the exhibit at all.

Do you like art? Then go to the MFA ….

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LOS DEPORTES!!

Football and Men’s Basketball Shocked to Find Out Last Place Means Nothing

Stan Carvaggio and James Catholic cited ‘playing for a draft pick’ as the reason for their ineptitude this year.

Read about some sad sports news, per usual ….

2017 Football Season Opener to Be at FirstEnergy Stadium

“We wanted to have an equally popular and exotic destination [as Dublin] that would be more accessible for Superfans,” Athletic Director Chad Gates said.”

SPORTZ ….

NCAA Applauds Itself for Providing Free Toilet Paper to Student Athletes

After listening critics claim that even a local public library offers more free services than the NCAA, the organization decided to shell out some free amenities.

Props to you for getting this far down ….

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Classifieds

FROM TEA TO SHINING TEA:

Do you work seven jobs? Do you frequently find yourself with only minutes of sleep per night? Contact swagdalen@bcheights.com to volunteer for a biweekly seminar on living life from one caffeinated beverage to the next. Transportation available, if you are comfortable in the backseat of a Mini Cooper.

HORSE GIRL SEEKING FRIEND

Horse girl seeking horse boy: Do you like riding off into the sunset? Do you enjoy the beating hooves of a Shetland Pony on the open road? One horse girl seeking the mustang of her dreams. Contact gailheartskale@gmail.com to schedule an interview and a ride-along.

LONG LIVE HAMSTER

Young sailor boy seeking $140 to fix a computer and eventually go to bed once this semester. Taking donations at the makeshift command center in the basement of McElroy Commons—look for the impressionable freckled freshman talking about the sick night he had last weekend.

FASHION BY FULLER

Are you unsatisfied with the sea of Bean Boots and button downs that permeates this campus? Do you find yourself drawn to styles of decades past? With my help, your style can transition from preppy clone to unique hipster. Ponchos not required, but strongly recommended. BYOB: bring your own beanie.

CHARCOAL CHIEF

Do you like soft cries and Suja Juice? Looking for a mildly trendy conversation partner to share long talks in the Chocolate Bar. Discussion topics may include the pros and cons of clear-framed glasses, the sheer brilliance of the hybrid that is the turtleneck dress, CSA boxes, the patriarchy, and data-driven journalism, among others. Contact charcoal@aim.com if interested.

PERAS-SO OUT OF THE RACE

Want some denim-on-denim action? Wishing Carney was great again? You’ve come to the right place. I’m fully equipped with empty promises and Capri Sun pouches to make your cranberry breaded dreams a reality. Seeking signatures for my petition to eliminate UGBC in its entirety, contact ranchony@ugnotbc.edu.

FRE$H PRINCE OF LEBANON

Seeking a young go-getter to jump-start your next business endeavor? Look no further. Not only do I have #royal connections in the Middle East, but I also worked at a brewery last summer, so I am fully prepared to shotgun you to success.

METROSEXUAL EDITOR

Wanted. Post left vacant by a dashing young specimen who ran off to the Mods, who has a newfound sense of self because he traded in InDesign for slam poetry. Must be attractive but approachable, and thrive in long-distance relationships. Contact theonlyjuan@bcheights.com if interested.

BC SPORTS

Looking for anyone, literally anyone, with any sense of athletic ability. Please. Can guarantee a starting position on the football and/or the men’s basketball team. Free air provided by the NCAA. Contact plzhelpuswithathletics@bc.edu.

CULPRIT WANTED

There’s cake everywhere. Just, everywhere. Currently searching for the delinqents who thought it would be a good idea to wallpaper my apartment with blue dessert. A1 team is on it. Please send tips to tomshouse@anytime.com.

LOST IN THE A1 SAUCE

Got Broads in Atlanta? Panda panda panda panda. Call the A1 editor to fulfill all your Kanye West-related dever dreams at thomasdevoto@comcast.net

BEARDED LUMBERJACK

Grumpyman seeks championship (& BC Championship). If you’re seeking the hairiness of a werewolf with the charm of three accents (Boston, Long Island, slightly Brooklyn Jewish from the ’60s), I’m the one for you. If you like Italian food, I can take you to my mother. Contact sports@bcheights.com.

WANT TO PLACE AN AD??

We really, really need money. Former GM left us with nothing. Please send us in the form of cash or credit. Venmo accepted @JohnRing4Prez.

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