The Depths 2016

Friday, April 1, 2016

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Super Brief, True News:

Own It Summit to Host Trump as Keynote Speaker

Following Anonymous Donation, 2150 Comm. Ave. to be Renamed After Another Rich White Guy

Student Believes She’s Doing “God’s Work” by Buying Haley House Cookies

Roggie’s Will Reopen in April After Nobody Bothering to Question Why It Never Left

Birdball Season Opener Moved to Active Parking Lot Due to Snow

TheatER Department Expresses Unanimous Approval of ‘Heights’ Arts Review

BC Student Wins $1 Million in a Totally Legitimate Case Against Campus Blog ‘The Dab’

Police Blotter

A report was filed regarding a suspicious person doing suspicious things in a suspicious place at a suspicious time … suspiciously.

A report was filed regarding a stolen salt shaker in Lower.

A report was filed regarding minors in possession of marijuana in the woods of Newton Campus.

A report was filed regarding a six-inch blade found in a Haley House cookie. The bakers, however, are pleading the fifth.

A report was filed regarding a freshman found in a Mod knowing no one there. An investigation is pending.

A report was filed regarding an unidentified person living in Walsh Hall, or, you know, a homeless person.

A report was almost filed regarding a girl sleeping in a boy’s dorm in Ignatius Hall, but then BCPD realized they didn’t care.


Top 4 News Bits:


On Thursday, a history professor will discuss his most recent book about the intersection of history and Jesuit ideals. The event will take place at 3 p.m. in McGuinn 121 but should probably be held in Stokes S107.


On Thursday night, a biology professor will discuss her most recent book about the intersection of biology and Catholicism. The event will take place at 7 p.m. in Devlin 008 but should probably be held in Gasson 304.

On Friday morning, an economics professor will discuss his most recent book about the intersection of economics and Jesus. The event will take place at 9 a.m. in Alumni Stadium but should probably take place in a booth on the first floor of O’Neill Library.


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Viral Star Damn Daniel to Speak at Commencement

The Snapchat star will reportedly be back at it again with his white vans.

Check out the story … or don’t ….

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(See DEPORTES farther down ↓)



‘Heights’ Set to Become Dependent Newspaper of Boston College

University Spokesman Zack Bunn named new EIC in a move likely to shock the student body, once they learn the paper was actually independent before.

You should read this ….

EC Forced to Open Race After Two UGBC Primary Victors Drop Out, 12 More Teams Declare

The Committee was concerned that the remaining team, Tony Pena and Raquel Tight, were too much of a joke, as they both serve as editors on The Dab.

Click this plz ….


‘Club Kirk’ Will be Converted to On-Campus Housing in September

The recently renovated basement—known for its state-of-the-art lighting system and speakers—will be utilized by Campus Ministry for weekly Examens and reflections.

Just in time for the housing lottery ….


Newton Freshman Found Living in 90 Study Room for Three Months

“Please don’t make me go back. I can’t take it. The buses take forever and there’s nothing to do and it’s so inconvenient and my roommate smells like farts and Cheetos.”

Yeah, this one gets weird ….


Student Immediately Ascends to Heaven after PULSE

The theology department stated that after DuPont went to heaven, interest in the PULSE program went up 500 percent.

Click to read about someone better than you ….

No One Opts for 2000, ResLife Re-Evaluates

“We brought in some more second opinions, and eventually we found one who said our insurance liability for drunk students inevitably falling over the balconies was low enough to proceed,” Associate Vice President for Student Affairs Greg Fairy said.

Feel better about your housing situation here ….


Student Whose Life Wasn’t Changed on Appa Admitted for Psych Evaluation

Jordan said during his final group reflection that he felt helpless and that the trip was a little “meh,” prompting his Appa group members to turn on him and banish him to a corner on the bus next to the bathroom.

We dare you to click this … YOU WON’T ….

Boy Spotted Reading ‘The Heights’

Multiple sources confirm that only did Paniniterini allegedly read the entire issue cover to cover, but he even took a gander at the ads page and tried to complete the crossword puzzle, spending almost seven minutes on 28 Across.

Hope you’re reading this, Jake ….


Nova Scotian Art Exhibit in the Devlin Maintenance Closet Captures the Exquisite Culture of Southeastern Canada

Sources from the nearby Admissions desk say, however, that the metaphorical location might have lost its meaning this time, as the devoted Devlin art connoisseur may have been the only one who attended the exhibit at all.

Do you like art? Then go to the MFA ….

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Football and Men’s Basketball Shocked to Find Out Last Place Means Nothing

Stan Carvaggio and James Catholic cited ‘playing for a draft pick’ as the reason for their ineptitude this year.

Read about some sad sports news, per usual ….


2017 Football Season Opener to Be at FirstEnergy Stadium

“We wanted to have an equally popular and exotic destination [as Dublin] that would be more accessible for Superfans,” Athletic Director Chad Gates said.”



NCAA Applauds Itself for Providing Free Toilet Paper to Student Athletes

After listening critics claim that even a local public library offers more free services than the NCAA, the organization decided to shell out some free amenities.

Props to you for getting this far down ….



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Young sailor boy seeking $140 to fix a computer and eventually go to bed once this semester. Taking donations at the makeshift command center in the basement of McElroy Commons—look for the impressionable freckled freshman talking about the sick night he had last weekend.



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Looking for anyone, literally anyone, with any sense of athletic ability. Please. Can guarantee a starting position on the football and/or the men’s basketball team. Free air provided by the NCAA. Contact



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