The Corinch Who Stole Christmas

Two days ago marked one of the most spectacular, eventful festivities of the Advent season: Saint Nicholas Day. Ringing in Christmas tidings with everything imaginable besides perhaps gold, frankincense, and myrrh—c’mon, Kris Kringle’s on a budget, and he’s gotta save some excitement for the 25th, after all—St. Nick’s celebrates the Dec. 6 feast day of Nikolaos of Myra, a fourth-century Greek bishop and Christian saint who had a super sweet reputation for secret gift-giving in modern-day Turkey.

Nikolaos became the model for many nations’ most beloved Christmas figure, with the Dutch Sinterklaas, German Sankt Nikolaus, British Father Christmas, and even jolly old American Santa Claus deriving from the legend. The celebration itself differs among world regions, but the one with which I am the most familiar stems from the German tradition, wherein children leave boots, shoes, or stockings outside the front door or in front of the fireplace on the night of Dec. 5, and St. Nick fills them with gifts, fruit, and sweets overnight. Never heard of this? You’re not alone: within the U.S., the holiday is observed primarily in regions of great German influence—namely the Midwest. (Shout out to Wikipedia—Milwaukee, Wis. needs all the non-dairy notoriety it can get.)

With that in mind, I’m tryna get in the Christmas spirit early on—the Big Guy, his lil elves, and a tights-clad Will Ferrell require all the help possible around this time of year, you know. Therefore, the following is my very own Xmas list a la Drew Magary’s blog post, “My Kid’s Insane Christmas Wish List, Annotated.” So, put your shoes out, sit back, and relax, kiddles, because this is gonna be a real treat.


Without further ado, all I want for Christmas is:

1) A renovation made to the dining halls’ infamous “cheese tray” (I have pretty high, “America’s Dairyland” standards), lactose-intolerance be damned

2) For Amy Poehler to just love us at Boston College already—and, though this isn’t her alma mater (UVA got her), for Tina Fey by the transitive property to love us, too

3) My two front teeth, and maybe a couple of turtledoves while you’re at it

4) The world’s fave Nic Cage to release another cinematic treasure and thereby please the masses

5) For ’stocks and socks to be accepted as ~fashionable~, even without the Vineyard Vines insignia

6) To be able to keep Christmas lights up past the “appropriate time”

7) My Hogwarts letter (you’d think an owl could make the transatlantic commute in nine years, honestly)

8) For @BOSTONCOLLEGE to regram my #gassongram already

9) An official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot range model air rifle—and preferably both of my eyes to remain in their sockets

10) For my roommate to finally accept that I WILL become one of the Pentatonix some day soon

11) A BC win over FSU—we were so close, but yet so far. Ghost of Christmas past, can you help an Eagle out?

12) For Eddie Redmayne and Emma Watson to get married or least procreate so that the world will finally see what it’s been waiting for all this time, what it’s always needed deep down

13) A partridge in a pear tree—but whatever you do, absolutely do not bring its weird pigeon cousin into this

14) For Tswift to use Sean O’Pry in all future music videos

15) The return of Nights on the Heights—NOTH Strikes Back, if you will

16) 101 beagles, but if you can’t do that, I guess I’ll have the 101 Dalmatians, instead

17) For the Christmas tree in O’Neill Plaza to remain lit this season (or always)—“like [it’s] supposed to do”

18) Notorious B.I.G. feat. Tupac postmortem album to be revealed

19) For the College Board to stop emailing a certain “Cofinne Duffy” about where to apply to college (yeah, spelling isn’t exactly my forte, okay?)

20) To make it to my 10 a.m. on time at least once by the end of the semester—only one chance left, so better make it count, Cofinne

21) For people to stop judging me when I order the most quintessential BC Bid coffee imaginable at the Chocolate Bar—small skim, sugar-free, vanilla latte, hot or iced depending upon mood

22) Bapst to play Gregorian Christmas chants for the duration of the holiday season

23) For the Packers to win Super Bowl XLIX. (Did I just jinx myself? Oh well, we’ve already beaten the Patriots.…)

24) Enough chocolate to get me through finals—or make me so sick that I don’t have to take them

25) For Trader Joe’s to replace Carney Hall indefinitely in 2015’s disclosed 10-year plan

To close, I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed 11 cookies into the VCR, and also that I wasted your valuable, finals-studying, research paper-writing time with this complete and utter Corinanity. Merry (early) Christmas, ya filthy animal.

Featured Image by Arthur Bailin / Heights Staff

December 8, 2014